Little Fish, Big River, Bigger City

Day 41: JP In Da House

I woke up somewhat early, walked the dog and returned to the non-expansive 320 square foot shoebox AxL and I call home. Today marks the day of the arrival of "JP" who I met haphazardly a couple of weeks ago during my first all-nighter on the town with "neighbah" Maria and her friend Richie.

"JP" was the young girl crying on the sidewalk being yelled at by the freakshow wearing neon-green aqua shoes and now, in a complete act of randomized universal events, she's going to be staying at my place for a couple of weeks as she just landed a new job only a few days before I did. The timing couldn't have been more perfect as tomorrow night, I'm off to Buenos Aires for a few days to my company's headquarters.

As I looked around, the realization hit me a dash too hard that here I am...a 39 year old man still living as if I just graduated from college last summer. Things are neat, mainly because I don't have much of anything. My entire life pretty much fits in this place because my entire life is so little right now.

I set about clearing out space in the closet so she can hang some clothes up and then I attack the bathroom and kitchen. As I'm cleaning away, I become aware of loud music from outside. I peer out the window at a massive street fair on 8th Ave.

I can't resist.

I head down with AxL and we mosey along from West 23rd where I got a $1 lemonade to West 14th Ave, the dividing border line between the Chelsea and West Village neighborhoods. I go all out and purchase a large plastic bottle of Italian spices for $2 so that my upcoming homemade pasta sauce will consist of more than tomato paste, tomato sauce and black pepper.

Somehow, the day has burned away as I put fresh sheets on the futon mattress in the upper loft that I never sleep in. Then I attack the mopping of the floor. Unexpectedly, the entire apartment now smells like "wet dog" as a result of the mopping. The phone rings and JP has acquired some sort of unofficial limo driver who hangs out at Port Authority giving rides to people who can't catch taxis in the throbbing masses.

As I'm halfway through the floor, my phone rings again and she's downstairs unloading huge bags of clothes that dwarf my own wardrobe considerably. In one painful trip, all of her stuff is inside as sweat trickles down our temples while AxL pants away.

"Homey, you need an air-conditioner..." she observes aloud.

"Um, yea. I guess it's that time." I embarassingly respond. First thing first. We get most of her stuff put away and the remainder hauled up into the loft area so some floor space is left on the main level for AxL to do his "incessant circling" at night.

We catch up with Maria and her friend "Steve" who's in town visiting for the weekend and we head out to find a late lunch. After not being able to agree on sushi versus other food, the four of us land at an outdoor belonging to Cafe Eros. Said table is built for two, but with some careful knee tucking and plate arranging, we're able to eat without anything crashing to the floor from the tiny

The night wears on and we get ready to go out and celebrate her arrival by "going big" with Maria and her friend "Steve" who's in town visiting for the weekend. When she finally decides on what to wear, we head to Maria's.

Bad news...Maria has lost motivation and is now in pajamah's for the night. Steve is up for going for pizza though so, the three of us head out, sans Maria in search of some NY Slice. We find a little place on 7th Ave and chow down except for JP who has one piece covered in fake spinach. It's actually "kale" which bears an aftertaste not unlike earwax. She presses for a refund but gets a broken english shrug-off.

We head back to Maria's with her slice and JP decides to call it a night, exhausted from the busride from hell which got her to the Big Apple. By now, I'm on my 3rd Wind and so I call "Manning" from downstairs on her cell phone. Luckily, she and Tenley are out going big for night #2 in a row despite their claim that it was going to be an early end. I meet up with them at "The Social Club" for a private birthday party around 2 a.m. and find myself, once again headed back home at 5:30 in the morning after a successful night of "bad white man dancing" to "good hip-hop music."

I walk AxL in the almost dawn setting in on the city before I slop myself on the short couch, my shoes dangling on my feet over the arm as I remain fully clothed into a short slumber. My newly adopted little sis, JP, snores and drools away up on the loft.

It's strange that an almost complete stranger is now living with me for the short term, but as Maria says, "Hey...it's New York. Anything can happen."

Day Job Panic: 1 - In just a few hours, I'll be flying to Buenos Aires to find out exactly what I'll be doing for this company which is still a big mystery to me.

AxL-O-Meter: 3 - He seems to be doing okay yet I worry that he might just give up the ghost while I'm in South America and he's in the care of complete strangers.

Dream Dial: 1 - writing is suffering, except for the fact that I've probably got a lot of good upcoming material about to land in my lap as the next adventures unravel.

ESB: Red - I guess to celebrate the fact that JP has landed.

Heart Rate: 0 - I've somehow accepted another blind date for next weekend upon my return from Buenos Aires despite swearing off of things like that. I guess I'm a glutton for punsishment and figure that even the bad stuff is worth writing about.

Day 40: Dog Bath and Blind Date

We've both been kind of dreading this day. AxL has an appointment for another ten minute "power bath" at The Downtown Doghouse pet groomer on West 18th and I'm supposed to go on a blind date.

We both got into this gritty situation as New York piled up on us without warning. As AxL takes each walk, he doesn't go too far before refusing to walk any further. Then he lies down and soaks up part of the city, making his fur gray. Considering JP is arriving tomorrow to share our 320 square foot studio for a couple of weeks, we must spare her the pain of AxL's less favorable nickname: "Stinky."

I'm not going to spared the same fate. Around a week ago, the "personal assistant/organize/superwoman" I hired to help me with the final stages of unpacking emailed me. She said she had a couple of nice female friends she'd like me to meet. I emailed back politely saying that I'd be up for meeting new people in the city but I put a heavy "pre-qualification" on it that my heart simply will not do anything but "the friends" thing at this point so any thought of things beyond that is out of the question. She responded, thanking me for my honesty and included a name and number for one of the friends. I waited a few days and picked up the phone to bravely dial and get myself out there if only to give Maria and Mr. Cha Cha the cat a break from having to hang out with me and AxL on another boring Friday night.

AxL's bathtime arrived soon after my Buenos Aires flight and hotel information arrived in my email. He dragged his feet as much as possible all the way to the groomer which is conveniently located next door to his vet. He's learned that anything heading down 8th Ave in a southerly direction is either going to be a bath or a thermometer where the sun doesn't shine. It's a battle, but we eventually get there. He's not happy and the girl doing the washing with me riding shotgun isn't nearly as good as the shop owner is. He struggles through, whimpering and shaking the whole time while trying to get out of the large, stainless sink. He wants to get out of this as much as I want to get out of the evening's plans. He's finally finished after a painful ten minutes as I realize that my time won't be so short.

As we reach home, we run into Maria returning from work for the second night in a row of odd timing. She comments on how his back legs are at half-mast because he's not standing up fully, tired from the struggle in the tub. My brain is already tired from the struggling thoughts of what the heck I'm going to talk about with a complete stranger in a few hours.

My time arrives and I take my best friend with me. He destroys the sidewalk in several places along the way and I consider calling and opting out at the last minute with a valid excuse. I decide to be brave since AxL bravely went through his bath, I'm not going to leave him hanging as the only one of the household with a rough day's events.

I arrive at "Elmo" on 7th Ave between West 19th and West 18th. I was expecting it to be empty as I thought it was more of a brunch/lunch place, but it's packed out the door with a hip, young crowd at the bar and the evening lighting gives it an entirely new look and feel inside from last Sunday's Easter brunch with Susan and Maria. The host gets us a table after we meet our evening's company. AxL is warmly welcomed to lie down under the small table outside and he promptly falls asleep, leaving me to my own blankness. The lady across from me is nice enough and polite enough to help the conversation along as I dig for anything to say. I feel like we're somewhat similar in terms of the painful relationships we've endured. She was recently divorced and I listen to her story with compassion as she went through something extremely similar to what I have. Luckily, my upcoming trip fills up part of the dinner conversation and soon, dinner is over and the check is paid. It wasn't so bad in some ways but, I definitely realize that I miss LoLo more than ever which I somehow must get over.

I'm not sure of what to do to accomplish this other than just keep getting through each day, bit by bit, trying to fill up life with things that have nothing to do with the heart. Buenos Aires will be a good start. Somewhere in the middle of the night, I found myself saying that I'm beginning to realize that I will likely just choose to be alone from here on out and keep an "even" mood rather than go through the utter joy and unrelenting pain of falling in love again. I'm not sure I'm cut out to have love and, returning to what one of my anonymous "a friend" emailers told me, I have to find that being alone is just fine.

I say goodnight at the corner of West 21st and 7th Ave as the Empire State Building glows with a bright white in the night sky in the background. AxL and I walk home, both happy that the day's events are done.

As we are making our way to our apartment, we hear Maria yelling from Susan's apaht-ment.

"Hey! Come HEAH!!!"

We make our way back and step inside. AxL's first step misses and he wipes out head first into the floor. A tall blonde with bright eyes laughs. It's Maria and Susan's friend Tenley. She's not an animal person. In fact, in life she's only had one goldfish which died belly up. Susan and Tenley are going out for the night but I take an hour to catch the Boston NY game which the Yankees somehow lost as A-rod falters early in the season despite being the highest paid player in history. I soak up the conversation not on the tv as all three girls have known each other most of their lives. I end up finding myself laughing a lot, entertained by catching a glimpse into the inner workings of the female mind when it comes to boys...new ones and ex's...thinking the new ones are going to be perfect, finding there's no chemistry, going back to the ex's...etc. etc. etc.

At 11, it's time to go. Susan and Tenley have "revamped" their look to take on the town for the night, Maria has opted out as we're supposed to all go to Viscaya to celebrate JP's arrival tomorrow. AxL and I head home and I try to get him to eat something...anything and he finally chokes down a turkey frank with his rimadyl in it. Thank God.

I'm back where I belong...home alone. Thank God, for that, too. I pick up the Alchemist which I've been working my way through for two weeks now. As far as I can tell, it's a story extremely parallel to my life in so many ways. It's about a shepherd boy with a penchant for traveling and adventure and learning about life along the way in search of his treasure. I have a feeling that his treasure is going to be back at home someday...or maybe his treasure will be the life experiences he's having along the way. Or maybe it's both.

I'll see how the book turns out soon and then it will take a bit longer to see how my life turns out. I hope there's treasure for me as well, somewhere in all of this. Until then, my dog and I are just going to keep taking each day as it comes, hoping for better tomorrow's as long as we're both here...we'll struggle our way through baths and blind dates when we have to and keep our hopes up for what life and the future still have to reveal.

Day Job Panic: 0 - Got my flight and hotel information and have started looking for a dogwalker during the day for when JP will be at work and can't watch AxL.

AxL-O-Meter: 2 - legs not working well at all, stomach is still "Southbound," not much of an appetite if any, and my upcoming trip is not going to be easy on him. Ug.

ESB: White - which is defined in the official lighting schedule as "ESB Lighting" which I guess means, "yo, business as usual."

Dream Dial: 4 - Got a few more pages of writing done today. Things are getting there, little by little. I definitely will finish the first draft on time unless the new job totally derails all productive writing in the beginning.

NYC Degree: 1 - Nothing of particular note other than I had a stellar dinner at Elmo...the food is really, really, really good there. Struggled through a blind, heavily pre-qualified date okay. AxL made it through his bath. The Yankees lost...(dammit.)

Heart Rate: 0 - getting more and more set on thinking that life alone is really okay. There are tons of people who have no one and they're just fine. Perhaps it's a good thing that if I stay single, I won't ever have to go through heartache again. Might be a great plan to stick to.

Day 39: You're Hired!

For the last couple of weeks, despite not really being a "TV person," I've been sucked into The Apprentice every Thursday by taking my seat on one of Maria's two futon couches. I've got $20 on Bill with my friend Lucy in Seattle who for some odd reason thinks that Kwame is going to pull it off.

The show is always edited really well, making both candidates look like they're going to lose due to screw ups so that the viewer really doesn't have any clear idea who's going to take the cake at the end. It's between two guys and one of them will get hired.

On a parallel note, I came to my decision today regarding my two job offers and called one of them back. I'm hired. An hour later, I get a call from my new "admin" in Buenos Aires who is lining up my trip to South America for this Sunday. I'll be flying out Sunday night from JFK and will spend three days in a nice hotel not too far from the Buenos Aires headquarters before returning to NYC where I'll work from home selling what is currently called, "a top secret project" for a rich online media company, United Virtualities. Aside from the upcoming mini-adventure to a continent I've never visited, I feel comfortable in my choice because of the what the president said during our phone conversation: "welcome to the family." I like that. I could use a family...even if it's a "work" family.

While talking to my admin, she asks me how to pronounce my last name while giggling. I ask her what's so funny and she replies that I have a great Argentinian "slang" name. She said she'll tell me what it means when I get there. Nope. I can't wait and I prod it out of her.

My name means "f__k her" in slang. Hhhm...I tell her I'm officially and legally going to change my last name to "Richards," inline with my "pen name" because this is just one more big reason to get rid of "Kurttila." She begs me not to change it because it's the best name a guy could ever want in Argentina. Great...

I feel like Ben Stiller in Meet The Parents who's character is named, "Gaylord Focker." Yea..."welcome to the family," alright.

As Maria and I watch The Apprentice, we spend the commercial breaks talking about AxL. Even Maria notices how sad and down he seems to be compared to normal. He's sleeping like a rock, not even lifting his head when being petted or having his name called. When he does lift his head occaisionally, his left eye is extremely "droopy" looking. There's nothing more heartbreaking than thinking of leaving the little guy for three full days and I'm worried he'll get massively depressed, continuing his downward slide into the next life while I'm gone. I really don't want to think about it, but it weighs heavily on my mind as I think of poor JP who's arriving on Saturday at 4 to stay at my place a couple of weeks: new to the city, in a new job, having to deal with my old and fading best friend while I'm gone.

Around 10:30, Bill is hired as Trump's new apprentice. He's faced with something similar but far more exciting than what I just went through after being presented two job choices...a super high-rise project in Chicago or the world's most expensive golf course in Los Angeles. I know what he's going through in his head to a tiny degree...but he's only got three minutes to decide during a commercial break as it's a live broadcast. Meanwhile, I had a full night to sleep over the decision. He chooses Chicago and the high-rise. I would've taken the golf course, personally...what was he thinking not choosing an office and job location overlooking the Pacific Ocean???

To each his own.

We're both hired.

Day Job Panic: 0 - going to have to change the title perhaps except for the fact that I've got to bring in $1 million in sales of an unknown, top secret product which is going to perhaps be a huge challenge. We'll see what I'm up against when I reach Buenos Aires. In the meantime, the next career adventure is underway...crazy last name aside.

AxL-O-Meter: 2 - Really, really, really lethargic, super droopy left eye, didn't eat at all today, not even his medicine tucked inside of turkey franks. Not good.

ESB: Green! Again for Rainforest Awareness. Are you aware yet?

Dream Dial: 5 - got in several hours of good writing time as my free day hours to write soon come to an end. I may finish the first draft of the script by my personal deadline of May 31 afterall, spring break and all.

NYC Degree: 3 - something cool about watching The Apprentice "live" on TV knowing that I've walked by the NBC Studio several times now. I'm living in a city where things are happening. Not to mention when getting free dog treats (which he didn't eat) at the corner wine shop, we noticed pictures of Tim Robbins and Bill Cosby on the wall as they've shopped there, too. Guess it's time to get AxL's picture up on the wall while he's still a part of the city.

Heart Rate: 0 - with a slang name like I've got...ug...Argentina, here I come. For better or worse, I guess.

Day 38: The Little Things

It's raining good and hard today. I'm taking my time, looking over a spreadsheet I've created laying out the pluses and minuses of the two job offers...a little more money here, a little easier sell there, a little more potential here, a few more benefits over there...back and forth. I take a minute to look out the window and ponder. There's a small river running along the curb toward the sewer grate on the corner. My mind reels a dash, thinking of how many little raindrops it takes to create a river on a New York street. The little things add up.

It's been about six weeks since I quit my last job, nursed AxL back to relative health and have been searching for a new job along the way. The little seconds have added up into many days. My little experiences have added up into a pretty good life full of incredible experiences so far. The days have also added up to just over twelve years with AxL, too. His stomach isn't in the best of shape today. Wednesday seems to be the day it always goes South without rhyme or reason. He's stopped eating for the most part and I have no idea what to do except hope his appetite comes back tomorrow.

I made toast this morning, and a huge smile spread across my face as the "happy bell" rang out from my "street toaster treasure." Yea, I'm still a bit embarassed about it, but a little proud that I saved myself an agonizing trip to the store to try and choose from all the toasters currently on the market. I think about the bell. It's a little sound. I start to think of other little things which all add up to making life worthwhile.

There's a tiny, purple plastic easter egg sitting among the daffodils planted around a tree about ten feet from our front door. I imagine the little fingers which put it there...little fingers with big dreams ahead. I think about the ants, marching along a little trail on a mission. I stopped and watched them for awhile last Saturday. A friend once told me that the weight of all the ants in the world outweighs all humanity. Little things really, really add up if this fact is true. To support his claim, the same friend once sent me a link to an article about a "super colony" of ants which scientists discovered stretches from the middle of Europe to the coast of Spain.

As we take each walk out on the street, I carry a little smile on my face. I'm not sure if it does much, but I feel a bit like it's my mission here in NYC. People here are wonderful, but many of them do carry a "hardness" and "cynicism" about them. I feel I'm here to soften that up a bit by giving freely with nothing more than the small boyish grin which my adulthood inherited from my little childhood. People will either think I'm insane as I smile at them, or...they often smile back. My plan seems to be working to a little degree and I wonder if the smile I pass along will ever reach the coast of Spain while people step over the super ant colony.

One of my favorite little things is the pencil picture of AxL, my hand, and the three "eyeballs" hanging from strings in the sky which my little niece drew for me for my birthday. It hangs proudly on my fridge door with a little "Hershey" man magnet and the "Heart of Chelsea" vet magnet. Little atoms race around inside the magnets helping them to stick to the door. It's a little miracle of life that things like magnets exist and yet we seem to just take them for granted unless we stop and think about them a little while.

Now and then, I get little emails from old friends. Now and then, I take the time to watch little birds hopping among flowerbeds in search of little specks of food. As we walked along today, I heard a little voice speaking to his mother.

"Mommy, when are the butterflies going to get here?" I smiled as the little raindrops continued to fall. What a beautiful thought from such a young mind. I looked behind me and saw bright green eyes sparkling from a four year old face. The eyes were filled with a dream of happiness carried on small wings uttered aloud by his tiny voice amidst a cold, dreary day.

"I don't know sweetheart, but soon." Mommy replied.

"Good because I miss them!" the little voice replied back.

As I end my day, I fall asleep with a small smile on my face thinking of the little butterflies which will soon arrive.

Day Job Panic: -1 - one of the offers called back today and sweetened their deal upward. I asked them if I could think about it for a night, but it's one little thing to tip the scales in favor of this opportunity over the other.

AxL-O-Meter: 2 - stomach has gone South again. Not eating at all. Lots of deep sleeping combined with lots of pacing and circles. Not to mention, he hates walking in the rain. Hoping that he starts heading up again as he did the last time he was swooping low.

Dream Dial: 5 - continuing to make good, steady progress with my writing each day, knowing that I'll soon have less time as I'll be working hard in a new job beginning next Monday.

ESB: Green!!! No, it's not St. Patty's Day...it's "Rainforest Awareness" time. Did you know that there are billions of ants in the rainforest and that some of their anthills are visible from satellites in outer space? (Little things, huh?)

NYC Degree: 7 - soaked up a rainy day in the city while enjoying that it really rains here when it wants to. Amidst the hard sidewalks and concrete jungle of the city, heard the little voice asking about butterflies. It's not a Yankees' game or a visit to the Empire State Building or a front and center Josh Groban concert seat...but it's almost something better. It's hope.

Heart Rate: 2 - can't help but be warmed inside at the thought of the butterfly question and the corresponding answer - "soon."

Day 37: 2fer Tuesday

As I try to get AxL to eat in the morning, I think about the fact that he's lost two more pounds. His backbone was starting to cover up a bit for awhile, but now it's becoming more and more prominent and noticeable when I pet him. I'm not sure of how to get him to eat as he's starting to turn up his nose to turkey hot dogs which have always been one of his favorite things. Part of me fears that, just when I thought things were turning around for the better...it now seems things are turning around back in the other direction.

One of my job offers calls me and discusses numbers. We're in the ballpark. In the afternoon, the other job offer calls me. We're also in the ballpark. Hmm...it would be so much easier to not have a decision in some ways. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about which one to take once they got back to me, but now that they have, the decision is nigh-impossible to make.

Thunder cracks outside. I look over at AxL who normally freaks out and climbs onto my lap in a panic. He just sleeps away as if the windows weren't rattling. Thunder booms again.

Two pounds lost, two job offers in hand, two claps of thunder.

I check my email. I've got a new one from the infamous "JP." She recently got a job here in the city and asked if she could crash on my couch while she works and searches for an apartment. She politely asks if she can stay for two weeks.

Around this time of day, I'd usually be having my second cup of coffee. I got officially tired of coffee over the weekend and simply stopped drinking it. Instead, AxL and I go out for a walk as the rain has let up a dash. As we go outside, we see our first NY Rat. Now, most people hate these things and I'm sure with good reason, but I've got to say, she was kinda cute...sort of a squirrel with a skinny tail. And I can't say that I harbor any ill will toward them...yet. Heck...they're just like everyone else in NY, just trying to get by and chase a dream of getting some cheese before someone moves it.

After AxL is done watching Miss Rat scurry away so we continue with a slow limp and dragging back toes. We get to the corner of 8th and West 21st and we hear a scream. We turn around and look and another rat is careening down the sidewalk. It jumped out of a garbage back that someone was dragging to the curbside, ran across a lady's toes and now it was headed straight for us like Seabiscuit on the home stretch. He split the uprights, shooting straight between me and AxL before going headfirst at full speed into a plastic newspaper stand holding "The Onion." I winced as he made soft "rat on hollow plastic" bonking sound, he dizzily did a couple of circles, and then flipped over the edge of the curb and down through the sewer grate. Rat #2.

AxL and I look at each other...two eyes regarding two eyes. "Twoday" has been "two" much or "two" little, I'm not sure which. The two of us eventually head home. "Two" tired to take any more.

Day Job Panic: 0 - two job offers in hand to decide over. Both are great opportunities.

AxL-O-Meter: 4 - slow. slower than slow, but walking and hanging in there. Still panicking and pacing a lot all day/night, seeming like his back legs don't feel so hot despite the steroid injection.

ESB: Still yellow with a white spire. Looked up the meaning's of the colors on the website: it's for Easter/Spring.

Dream Dial: 4 - writing is back on track as I continue to plow through working on "the treatment" of AxL's screenplay.

NYC Degree: 5 - enjoyed the thunderstorm immensely, saw/got/hear/received two of everything. First NYC rat sighting!

Heart Rate: 0 - beginning to settling into being alone in "solidtude."

Day 36: Digging In

As previously mentioned, I have a few "anonymous" email friends due to this journal. I've got no idea who they are or how they found my site other than them telling me, "they happened across it one day..." Oddly, they all seem to like the same moniker and sign each email simply stated - "a friend."

One such friend has kindly taken it upon themselves to help me improve myself through thoughtful suggestions. One of them was to just be fine on my own and not need the approval of others which evolved into my entry regarding "My First Date" on April 03, 2004. I recently received another email from this friend telling me to stop procrastinating. Today, I did just that.

I started with deciding that I'm entirely sick of coffee and have switched to water with lemon juice in the morning which my sister advised me is good for removing toxins from the body. I feel like I just need to get closer to purity in life by cutting away excess and unneeded things. After my water and the gym and dog walking, I set out to tackle the long-standing project of getting my hundreds of addresses in order. I didn't finish even after several hours, but I did make a significant dent. Rome wasn't built in a day.

In the afternoon, I was giving AxL another massage during another panic-pacing episode. While I tried calming him down, I looked about my place, taking inventory of how I might best reorganize it to a degree so it's more liveable. I decided to start with my bookshelves which need to be revamped and set in order. I walked AxL back to A.I. Friedman and we bought a small TV tray to set into the bookcase so I could use the rest of the space and extra shelves for what's left of my book collection after a massive "dumping" during the last move.

It's been raining and drizzling all day so it's perfect for the "gohio" projects. They're not much fun for me to do, and they're even worse to try and write about. (Obviously.)

The day went by without the offer letters arriving but, I know they'll get here soon, maybe tomorrow. Sometime in the evening, Maria calls me.

"What are yah doin'?"

"Um, nothing, why?" I reply, perplexed.

"What the hell, are you okay?"

"Huh? Yea, why?"

"Geez! I just read your friggin' journal! What the hell? Are you depressed or somethin'? Empty and whelmed??? You seem totally fine when I tawk to you!"

Oh bother...so I guess it's time to expand on that now that I read back. Yes, I'm totally fine. I do have a bit of "emptiness" in my soul in one way, however New York is filling me up in all the other ways and I'm loving life here as much as possible. Also, not to go too deeply into writing, but I'm trying to do what I can to be "honest in the moment" while also trying to come up with something interesting each day to put into words. Also, I believe that great writing is like life, you need to include the full range, the ups and downs, the happiness and sadness...the roller coaster. A great story doesn't exist without hills and valleys to balance each other out. If all I wrote about was "life is wonderful, I ate brunch, I got a toaster..." well, it would get pretty boring pretty fast.

Yea, I'm okay. I do miss all that I had last year at this time. However, I am making the most of what I have left this year. I'm digging in...and by doing so, I'm climbing up and out.

Day Job Panic: 1 - offer letters didn't arrive as hoped, but I do know they're coming.

AxL-O-Meter: 3 - he seems to be doing better thanks to the steroid injection. His back right leg still isn't working great and he's pacing way too much, but he is hanging in there.

Dream Dial: 4 - Got back to writing today and it felt great to dig in again.

ESB: Yellow with a white spire again. Thought it would change on Monday once Easter was over, but it didn't. Wondering if white is up next?

NYC Degree: 5 - There was ONE fantastic NY experience today during a brief rain sqaull. I was typing addresses into my computer as it began to pour. The rain pattered and splashed then through the sound of it all, I heard someone walk by on the street outside whistling, "Singin' In The Rain."

Heart Rate: 0 - Despite an emptiness, life is as good as can be...still smilin' and singin' in the rain...

Day 35: Easter Sunday

I wake up before the phone rings. It's Maria getting me out of bed for Easter Mass. I take AxL out, come back and race through the shower before choosing what I feel to be the most appropriate Easter clothes I've got in a massively limited wardrobe. I wonder if other people see me as I do? They guy who "almost" gets it right in terms of looking presentable to the public but is about one notch off since he's straight and single and definitely needs help. I try to just carry it off and be who I am.

Maria and I walk down West 21st to Guardian Angel Church and find a seat amidst the packed pews. The priest gives a sermon which has some great food for thought. First, he tells the story of a court jester who ticks off the king and must be put to death. The catch is, the jester gets to choose how he dies. He chooses to die of "old age." Then he talks about a student in a class who is always behind in terms of "smarts." The students are to bring plastic eggs with a symbol of spring in them to the next class. The "slow kid's" egg is empty whereas the other kids' eggs all have flowers, butterflies, etc. The student exclaims..."but don't you see it? The tomb was empty!"

The priest pontificates on how the emptiness of the tomb on Easter morning is the sign of eternal life. I feel empty inside, wishing life were so different than it is in so many ways...yet feeling like this is going to be my eternity as I whittle away the days and years left until I die of old age like the court jester. Mass ends and we make our way while admiring the blooming trees and flowers along the street. We gather up Susan from her apartment and since AxL is sleeping, I let him be while we go and hit "Elmo" on 7th Ave for Easter Brunch. I totally looove Elmo. It's got some of the coolest decor of all the places I've been and the food is not just fantastic, but reasonably priced to boot. Food coma sets in and we amble westward on a fairly gray Sunday toward home. Along the way, we pass by a white dresser on set out on the sidewalk with what appears to be an almost new, white toaster oven on top of it.

"Wow. A toaster! I soooo totally need a toaster but no way am I just going to pick this up off the street." I exclaim.

"What is ya problem? Just take it! It's why people set this stuff out heah..." Maria chides. She goes on to tell Susan how I had trouble picking up the desk the other night as I have this thing about needing stuff like toasters and desks but get embarrassed about decorating street-urchin style from other people's throw away items. I get over myself in a moment of non-embarassment and pick up the toaster oven and carry it home like a running back vying for the endzone. I just saved myself $85 plus tax at Bed, Bath and Beyond as it works perfectly and my days of normal bread for breakfast with my hard boiled egg white are now behind me for the time being.

After giggling over the fact that the toaster oven actually has a happy little "bell" which rings it's done toasting...I trickle away the hours, calling a few friends and wishing them "Happy Easter" while walking AxL around the neighborhood. I take a few pictures of him in front of a flower stand that has so many colors that it's impossible to comprehend. I spy some French Tulips on sale and buy them to give home some life considering that Charlize the orchid seems to have given up while Elise the orchid powers on. I take the failing Gerbera Daisies out of my vase on the tiny table and put the new flowers in. They have little "nets" around the blooms which I gently pull off as something very much not like a tulip bursts apart. I'm not sure what they're called, but I've got these incredibly big, bright yellow flowers on my table, much to my smiling joy over the nice surprise. I'm going to have to figure out what they are because they're something I've never had before and I completely love them. They're somewhere between a Gerbera Daisey and an alien life-form.

I spend the day reading and catching up in the journal a bit in addition to tidying up a few things around our bachelor pad. Around 8:15, Maria calls as she's ordering dinner from The Dish and I toss in an order for the fettucine in pink vodka sauce for delivery. We skip watching "Inside The Actor's Studio" which I happened to walk past during last night's venture with JP and parents on Bleecker Street. Maria ends up calling again and somehow we end up on the topic of me and relationships and that I'm just not ready for one and need time to heal. I'm beginning to feel like I might never be ready for one and that it's time to just surrender back into my dreams of being the lone adventurer who gets through his life by sailing the globe, climbing mountains and seeking out experiences that have nothing to do with getting his heart broken and everything to do with living on the edge where the smallest mistake can softly send me to the afterlife and get me out of this world where I'm simply not worthy of being loved by the woman of my dreams. I someday long for a family that I can take to church and brunch on Easter, but I'm starting to believe it's just never meant to be. I'm good at being alone and getting through each day. I'm not good at being loved despite wishing it were all turned around.

Around midnight, AxL goes into his "white-eyed" panic-mode pacing routine again. I massage his quivering leg then take him outside. We spy a gang of dogs just a couple of doors down. It's Spud, Woody, and "Russell" a fourteen year old Jack Russell we've not yet met. We go over and end up chatting with Frank, Mike and Russell's owner as Russell's entire body trembles away from "Doggie-Parkinson's" disease. AxL immediately lies down with a groan and everyone sets in with their "old dog" stories after hearing about his recent leg issues. Frank takes the cake with stories about his last dog which would go from being on death's door to making it for another four months when he also didn't have the heart to put him down. I'm comforted in knowing that the rough days come and go after hearing their stories. I'm hoping these rough days go soon for AxL and he hangs in there for another several months. He seems to be hanging on for some reason...perhaps time will tell why...as we head back, I think, "only in New York" can one go out at midnight on a Sunday and hang out with neighborhood dogs and have a great conversation with the owners.

After returning home, I get online and look up the word "whelmed" as it's been perplexing me for the last few weeks. One can be "overwhelmed" and "underwhelmed" but what, exactly, does it mean to just be "whelmed?" The definition is more than fitting.

It means, "to turn something like a dish upside down and completely cover something else." Hhmmmm..

Perhaps it's time to "whelm" my dreams of being loved, of having a family...by turning my childhood dreams of adventure upside down in order to completely cover up the bigger wishes in life of having a loving family of my own someday. I fall asleep, "empty but whelmed"...a fitting end to Easter Sunday...as I look forward to what tomorrow will bring...I'll eat toast at home (for the first time since December) when the happy bell goes off on my new prize. Another's garbage is my small treasure.

Day Job Panic: 0 - Offer letters should be in the mailbox tomorrow. Yeeha.

AxL-O-Meter: 2 - made it through another weekend despite some panic-pacing attacks and a badly trembling back right leg without much energy for walking too far.

Dream Dial: 0- The last day of not writing on the screenplay is behind me. Tomorrow can't get here fast enough as I look forward to continuing working on my first solo screenwriting effort.

ESB: Yellow with the white spire. I'm sure it's going to change up tomorrow after Easter is over. The color somewhat matches the new flowers in the vase on the table as I gaze out the window. Maybe I do know something about color-coordination afterall?

NYC Degree: 7 - overall it was a fantastic Sunday....Easter Mass, followed by brunch at Elmo's, finding my toaster, getting cool new flowers for my vase, and chilling out with the neighborhood dogs at midnight. It's been a great day despite the late arrival home at 4 a.m. from going out on the town last night. Then again, "town" isn't the right word for this amazing city that week by week, hasn't eaten me alive.

Heart Rate: 0 - as previously mentioned: empty and whelmed. Wishing for what I'll never have and don't deserve and therefore must overcome by finding comfort in "solidtude," a new word I coined to mean: "strength in being alone."