Little Fish, Big River, Bigger City

Day 34: We Meet Again

It's five a.m. and I hear a loud thud and a whimper as I groggily come out of my slumber. AxL has wiped out in the kitchen and is trying to get up. I watch him as he holds his back right leg hitched up in the air and hops along on three legs toward me in the middle of the floor.

He's panting like mad, wobbling like crazy and the whites of his eyes are showing. I get up and catch him just as he's falling over again while trying to get about on three, not so stable legs. I try to massage the muscles of his back leg and he whimpers some more while his leg shakes and then kicks wildly like a jack rabbit as I try and gently rub it to calm him down. Not good.

I try and rub the muscles of his lower spine and his hip and his leg, alternating around as the leg continues to tremble and shake despite my efforts. He keeps trying to get up and I softly catch him as he falls back down each time since his hind legs don't seem to be working at the moment. The muscles feel like hard knots and I slowly get the trembling and shaking to calm down. I take him outside after half-carrying him down the hall. Once we're out, he does okay walking except for a strange right-curve to his back that sets his hind legs off to the right side from the rest of his body. His toes drag across the sidewalk with each step and I wonder if it's due to yesterday's long walk or if it's just getting to be "his time" to go. Just when things were looking up...

We make our way back inside and I massage him some more despite being dead tired from only about two or three hours of sleep after reading late into the night. I'm supposed to go with Maria and our other neighbor Susan to the Yankees game today but may have to opt out of it to keep an eye on him. Eventually, the vet is open and we sloooowwwwly make our way there. They're able to see us right away and my best friend weighs in. He's lost two more pounds despite all the great food he's been getting. I'm told that this is what old dogs do. The vet is too kind and breaks out "The Magic Bullet" steroids again. Of course, AxL puts on his "brave act" and pretends nothing is wrong with his leg at this point. $95 later we're out the door and told we can come in once a week for another injection if we need it. I'm torn between "not juicing up" my best friend and thinking that if it's nothing more than muscle cramps then it's worth it to keep rolling in for the quick shots that seem to boost his not entirely stellar performance. Once we round the corner, he drops the "I'm totally FINE" act and goes back into "massive limp" mode as we make our way home. Once there, he falls asleep promptly, exhausted from a long morning.

I'm torn about the Yankees game, but decide that I'm going to keep my word about trusting God with AxL and continuing to live life where I can on the side. I meet up with Maria and Susan and we hop the subway to the Bronx and take in the game on a perfectly sunny day. Afterward, we grab one beer at Stan's Bar which is the most crowded thing I've ever experienced. I hang out as long as I can mentally take worrying about AxL and depart for home, leaving Susan and Maria with some guys they've met. Maria acts like a mother hen, worried that I can't get home on my own on the subway. She imparts the directions that I know by heart: "take the D and then switch at Columbus Circle to the C...are ya shuh you'll be okay?"

"Yes, Maria. I'll be fine. I bicycled across the US alone and drove here in a Uhaul. I can make it back home on a little subway trip."

I make my way down, hop on and find myself passing out from an exhausting morning/day. I wake up at each stop, switch trains and am soon back home with AxL who's seemingly okay...much better than the Yankees who lost to the White Sox 7-3...meanwhile, I've got my 2nd game under my belt in just three days. I take AxL out and his legs are working a lot better but not as good as they were yesterday by any means. We burn away the afternoon with reading and some writing and some eating of leftovers and a short nap. I get a call from JP and go to meet her and her parents at The Marriott Marquis at 9:30 for a birthday drink and a freeform evening.

I can't remember what she looks like so give her my description over my cell phone as I greet her at the revolving door. She's almost six feet tall, blonde is a young-Claudia Schiffer look-alike. I never would've recognized her again bumping into her on the street. We get a table in the 8th Floor lounge looking over the exploding lights of Times Square. Her parents join us soon after and her mom takes over the conversation as I listen and smile and nod. We call the Empire State Building to see if we can still go up, but they're now closed. We grab a cab outside amidst throngs of people yelling about their individual free speech topics as crowds fight past each other. We taxi down to Greenwich Village in search of a jazz club which we decide not to go into.

Instead, we end up in a little tavern sporting a floor covered in peanut shells called "The Back Fence" on Bleecker Street. There's a great little band, "Vin Fererone," playing Simon & Garfunkel, Beatles, and Rolling Stones covers. JP's mom continues to talk to me but I can't hear a single word over the music so I simply smile and nod some more. Eventually, JP's stepdad departs for home and I'm in charge of finding the next thing after we listen to a great set of songs by "Ray Gracee" covering Dave Matthews (too many memories of LoLo to count) and many other songs from Coldplay to Yaz to...

The three of us grab a taxi and ride past Union Square on the way back to my 'hood. We hop out on West 23rd but Serafina where I'd hoped to go appears closed. We try and get into "Sweet" but they're now closing up their doors for the night at 3 a.m. We walk down 7th Ave in search of "Cafeteria" to get a late night breakfast but we're stopped short at "Viscaya" on the corner of West 21st. I've always wanted to go in since I always see a line. We're let inside right away and I instantly love the "cave-like lounge" feel of the establishment. We work our way through some holes in the walls into a room lined with couch-dwellers and into the back room with a packed dance floor. JP's mom takes up residence on a couch as JP dances away while fending off silly annoying men like a pro. I pretty much keep to myself as JP needs no help this time around. The Russian Mafia must be at another club in town tonight...

Around 4, we say goodnight, they catch a cab and I stroll home to find AxL still sleeping peacefully. It's been a heck of a long day and I'm wiped out. I fall asleep thinking about how random life can be...that one weekend you're out with your neighbor and find yourself in a yelling match with a freakshow wearing aqua-colored shoes defending a girl with tears running down her face, and before you know it, three weeks later...you're getting home at 4 a.m. from hanging out her and her parents for her birthday in the city. Random, random, random...life can be far stranger than fiction.

None of it makes any sense whatsoever, but then my life never really has in so many ways. So, for what it's worth...to the Yankees and JP...stay well...until we meet again.

Day Job Panic: 0 - enjoying my last weekend of freedom before starting work next week.

AxL-O-Meter: 2 - got through a big scary morning of being unable to walk on his right hind leg. Hoping the steroid shot really is "the magic bullet" one more time and we can squeeze another month or so out.

ESB: Yellow with a white spire for the third day in a row. Kind of looks like a birthday cake with a candle on top.

Dream Dial: 0 - Forty-eight hours away from digging into the screenplay full-force again.

NYC Degree: 7 - Another Yankees game on a beautifully bright day, Bday drinks looking over Times Square, The Back Fence and Viscaya with JP and parents. It's been a long, packed, twenty-three hours since waking up with AxL at 5 a.m.

Heart Rate: 0 - at least I've still got AxL around but wish I had a bit more love in life beyond my faithful dog. My grandmother used to say..."if wishes were horses, the poor would be riding." Food for thought. Wishing does nothing, I guess.

Day 33: Good Friday

After such a great day yesterday, it's a day to be mellow. My houseguest for this evening is now off since JP is taking a job with another company and no longer needs to come into the city for an interview. I'm saved from the embarassment of my humble bachelor pad for a bit longer.

I spent the day not doing much of anything, really. I tidied up a few loose ends, filed some papers, walked the dog and enjoyed the blooming flowers springing up around the neighborhood. Spring is charging into the city as trees are beginning to burst into white flowers as green leaves fight their way through the branches to lend a dash more color to the view looking up at the gray sky.

I heard from one of the jobs I'm looking at today and an offer letter is in the mail. Next week, I'll get to decide between two very different but pretty good opportunities and my job search is nearing it's end. As spring approaches, I look forward to throwing myself into my next career move whole-heartedly. It' s my last official day of Spring Break and I'm definitely missing writing on the screenplay and working out at the gym but the rest has been fun for what it's worth.

AxL has been doing so much better of late and as we go for an afternoon walk, we bump into "Scout" one of the neighborhood dogs. Scout's owner tells me about two more off-leash dog runs I didn't know about. One is not too far away at Union Square. The sun has broken out and so we decide to try and check it out. We make our way down West 17th Street and stop in at several little "thrift" stores that are akin to Salvation Army but one or two notches up. AxL rests on the floor and meets several new fans as I browse through racks of donated namebrand suits that only cost $60. I can't remember what size I am so I opt to come back once I'm truly in need of more than one suit...but I have found my bargain store much to my delight.

We continue on and are drawn in by the A.I. Friedman store a bit further down the block. They have the "ladder desk" I've been trying to find and it's a full $200 cheaper than any other store at a bargain sale price of just $119. I'm going to come back next week and order it after deciding which job to take so that I won't be sitting on the floor while working as I do now. We mosey out of the store and soon find ourselves amidst the outdoor market of Union Square. It's an incredible sight. There are people from all walks of life walking in every direction, looking at artwork and buying fruits and vegetables and flowers and jewelery and...and...and...

We make our way onto the main path of the park which is lined with benches and people sitting blissfully on them, soaking up the sun. They smile at AxL as we slowly limp our way along, around past a large group of break-dancing hackey sack players with semi-loud music emanating from a boombox on the ground. After we round the bend and take in all the amazing architecture surrounding the square we enter the off-leash area and AxL begins meeting dogs while shying away from a five dog wrestling match. If only Venus were here, she'd be in the middle of it all. I so wish I could just spend a day throwing the tennis ball and playing with her again.

AxL sniffs and plods, sniffs and plods. The smallest Jack Russell terrier I've ever seen comes up and attempts to annoying leap at AxL's ears. He eventually finds a more ample playmate and moves on as AxL and I work our way back out of the gate and down the long path toward home. We spy a huge Barnes & Noble store and go in to browse. We migrate to the music section at the back and I pick a CD of classical music and put the headphones on AxL's ears. He sits and listens as I smile away almost to the point of laughter. I think he's actually enjoying the sound. As we depart, we happen upon the Petsmart store which has a brash, aggressive woman out front yelling about Animal Rights. She wants a $7 donation and I would give it but her attitude is so rough that I decide not to let her ruin my day with her negative manner. We make our way into the store which is packed beyond belief. We mosey around until we find ourselves in the middle of the cat section and then work our way past the 50 person line for check out and back out the front door empty handed as we still have three or four large supplies of top end treats at home to devour.

I look at my watch as we eventually arrive back at West 21st Street. We've been gone for almost five hours now and AxL is doing great despite the long outing filled with lots of rests to lie down and chill. I think hopefully that perhaps he'll last another year??? He seems to be doing so well it's amazing that he's bounced back as he has.

We get home and I make him a big dinner which he ignores for the most part. I sit down and work on some writing before reading a bit from my book on investing and the other book on how to decorate an meager apartment. I'm beginning to think I might just skip decorating as I may be moving again soon and rather than decorate, then toss it all and start all over, I might cruise through as is and just get to the next point before "settling in" to a real home.

We go for another walk in the evening and bump into the new neighbor, Yui, who works at McGraw Hill Publishing in the HR department. AxL loves the attention she gives him and he always stops and lies down at her door each time we pass, hoping she'll come out and fawn over him. Sometimes he's lucky, sometimes he waits in vain.

The day ends and we pass out on the floor after a good brushing of his fur and my teeth. We're getting by, hour by hour, day by day and week by week. Spring Break is now over and it's time to dig in and get rolling after the weekend.

Good Friday is over and true to its name, it wasn't half bad.

Day Job Panic: 0 - still awaiting offers to arrive in the mail box so I can choose from two equally good jobs at good little companies, both working from home selling interesting services.

AxL-O-Meter: 7 - slow but sure. He's doing fantastic and had a great walk today after exploring our third off-leash area in the neighborhood.

ESB: Yellow with a white spire, again for celbrating spring, I assume.

Dream Dial: 0 - last weekday of not working on the screenplay. Break is over and it's time to dig in and plow through once again starting on Monday.

NYC Degree: 4 - Explored thrift stores, A.I. Friedman, Union Square, Barnes and Noble, and Petsmart on a long, wonderful walk. This city has endless things to see and do and one could spend a lifetime taking it all in and never see it all.

Heart Rate: 0 - miss Venus the dog more than ever and wish she was around to take on our adventures in the city.

Day 32: My First Yankees Game

It helps to know people. Better yet, it helps to know people who know people. I was able to score 7th Row behind the dugout tickets to today's Yankees Home Opener. I'm beyond excited to finally see what my friend Spencer Amir told me about so many years ago: there's nothing like going to a game at Yankee Stadium.

Having two tickets, I convinced my neighbah to skip work for the day and go with me. After the morning ritual, I knocked on her door and we set out for the subway. We took the C train up to Columbus Circle then "followed the Yankee Fans" onto the D. The cars were packed with shiny blue jackets and navy colored NY hats. Thick NY accents flooded my ears. The subway is one of the best places to just lose yourself in people watching and conversation eavesdropping. We spilled out at 161st Street in The Bronx.

We floated with the crowd as if being swept along by a blue river of Yankee diehards. I was in the midst of real baseball. To me, despite being a longtime Mariners fan, have quietly held a softspot in my heart for The Yankees which in my mind are baseball personified. As we burst out of the stairwell into the gritty throng under the elevated tracks, I tried taking it all in, but it was too much...vendors, bars, jersey hawkers, peanut, pizza, and hot dog vendors dotted the space in between the thriving mass of fans. I got out my phone and dialed "Doug" to meet him and get my tickets. I went to the parking lot near the fire engine. Not there. Wrong parking lot. We asked where Gate 4 was and fought our way through the mass for another ten minutes until we reached the main gate.

We finally found Doug in the right parking lot. He was the perfect ticket broker...wearing a thick leather Yankees jacket with a baseball hat perched atop gray hair on a head sporting a very Italian nose. Maria whispered in my ear, asking if this guy was on the "up and up" as he had just enough "shadiness" to him that it made one wonder. He motioned for me to follow him and we walked up to a consummate old white cadillac with red leather seats. Two body-guard type mafia looking characters opened up the trunk and Doug reached in then produced an envelope and a free bag of peanuts..."it's a pleaszha doin' bizniss wit youse...we'll stay in touch and ah'll get ya moh seats troo da seezin'..."

Cool.

We snapped a few photos of the stadium, hit the souvenir shop and departed after seeing the prices and then went inside and grabbed two beers and some dogs before being let through a rope that blocked off the aisle down to our seats spitting distance from the dugout roof.

Way cool.

I did my child-like standard New York awe spin as I looked up and around at Yankee Stadium from inside for the first time. This is truly America...land of the free, home of the brave...and I was in the center of its beating heart. Giuliani was signing autographs just a few rows down to my left. Mayor Bloomberg was quietly sneaked down the row amidst a throng of body guards to join the G-man. They greeted each other and I snapped a couple of shots for posterity. The players were introduced to loud applause and the National Anthem brought tears to my eyes that I hid from Maria to save embarassment. Four F-14 Tomcats busted the sky apart overhead and Yogi Berra, Scooter and Whitey stepped out to throw out the first pitch. The place was "en fuego" and it was time to play ball.

The game was insane from seeing A-rod's first at bat to hearing Ronan Tynan sing God Bless America for the 7th Inning Stretch. Throughout, people all around and behind us kept making cell phone calls to friends telling them to look for them on TV as we were right in line with the cameras trained on home plate for each batter. I'm not sure why people say New Yorkers are so hard. The guy behind me politely asked me to roll up the hood on my jacket because he was going to eat peanuts and didn't want to get shells in it. He went on to bump my head about three times throughtout the game getting in and out of his seat for bathroom trips and then he bought me a beer to make amends.

At one point, Maria and I went into the Pinstripe Pub to use the restroom and our free passes. The place was a madhouse and while she was doing her thing, I got a call from my buddy Russ who I had taunted with a message earlier because he's an enormous fan now stuck in Seattle. In the bottom of the 8th, not even the rain could dim the spirit of the day. The Yankees won, 3-2 and "New York, New York" started playing away while Maria and I took turns shooting pictures of each other sitting on the dugout before leaving. Once outside, we stopped at a shirt vendor and she bought an A-Rod jersey, #13. We descended into the subway only to be held up by a throng that was too much so we went back up and out to people watch until the crowd cleared out.

We went back down and reversed our route back to Chelsea and West 23rd Street before walking home. I retrieved AxL, went for a walk around the block wearing my new "Opening Day 2004 Yankee Stadium NY" hat as if I were born and raised here. A few hours went by and it was time for Holy Thursday Mass at Guardian Angel Church. The service was sparse and somber but I'm beginning to enjoy a sense of God in my life beyond my nightly prayers. On the way home, I found a small desk on wheels which Maria enticed me to take despite my embarassment over "decorating with street junk." We made it back just in time for "The Apprentice" and much to my delight, Amy and Nick were both fired. I always felt like Bill was going to win since the first episode I watched, but it's definitely going to be a close race for the final week next week. I'm starting to like Kwaame more now as he's a bit more "in control" especially in terms of not strangling Omarossa for her ineptitude and lies which Maria thinks is a Trump conspiracy to stir the pot and create havoc. I fully agree...it wouldn't be a show without the turmoil that seems to happen "out of the blue."

We ordered food delivered from "The Dish" on 7th Ave and I terrorized Mr. Cha Cha on the TV tray with the pen after I was finished with motzah ball soup and another round of fettucine in pink vodka sauce. We said goodnight and AxL and I went out for another walk past the mountains of garbage. I'm starting to feel more and more like a part of this city rather than a visitor plopped into it's midst for a spell. I'm beginning to feel alive again inside and even thoughts of sailing around the world and climbing Mount Everest are slowly eeking their way back into my psyche. I'm turning into a man once again instead of being the cowering coward hurt by life and loss of loved ones. (As Hansel would say, "I'm still here and I'm still giving it my best shot.")

I fall asleep next to AxL on the floor by the door, exhausted from a day that will be in my mind until I die...

Today was made up of the stuff that makes it all worthwhile...baseball. It's more than a game...it's time well spent with my New York brethren that doesn't want to get peanut shells in the hood of my jacket and has a big enough heart to say "sorry" when accidentally knocking me in the head.

Day Job Panic: 0 - next week, I'll be hired along with Trump's new apprentice in a new job.

AxL-O-Meter: 5 - still doing great and was okay while I was out for the game. I think we've got far more time left than I ever could have wished for a month ago when I thought he was done.

ESB: Yellow with a white spire. Even the "Old Emigrant Building" is lit up in Easter Colors of pink, green, blue and yellow like a Disneyland Castle.

NYC Degree: 10+ - It can't get much better than watching the Yankees win their home opener from the 7th Row behind the dugout. Topped off with Holy Thursday mass, The Apprentice and some of New York's best food delivered from around the corner.

Heart Rate: 2 - I love baseball and am keeping my "fingres crossed" (inside joke) for a World Series Win.

Day 31: Three Things

I spent part of today thinking back to the night that Maria, Richie and I all sat around talking for six hours before going out on the town all night three weeks ago. Richie brought up a though-provoking question:

"In your next relationship, what are the three things that you will do differently?"

Maria answered that she would do nothing differently because she's perfect. Richie wanted to lose weight and a couple of other things that I currently don't remember, but should.

As for me? The three things I would do are: trust, "gohio" and have money in the bank.

I'll start with trust. I look back at all the failed relationships and I realize that it came down to me not trusting that someone else could love me. From there, I simply derailed everything on my own into oblivion. If I ever get lucky enough to have someone in my life, I vow to blindly trust that they're not going to screw me over somewhere down the road. I'm going to trust that I'm worth someone else's time and I'm going to not worry about what could happen or what's happening behind my back, what lies might be told to my face and when it's just a matter of time until I find out.

I guess the reason I don't trust others is that I simply don't see what someone could possibly see in me worth sticking around for. I feel as if I'm okay in the beginning, but once someone really gets to know me, I'm no longer worth hanging onto. Which brings me to my second point.

"Gohio." It's a term that was used at Amazon.com by Jeff Bezos which stoof for "get our house in order." I've been working on the big gohio in my life for quite some time now as it seems to be one of the big reasons that I don't particularly care for myself. I have a few little projects that seem to float about, year after year and while I've taken care of tons of things, I'm now near the end with the last few to go. Oddly, they're a bit silly. One of them is putting all of my photos into boxes in order, grouped up by the events and times that were photo-worthy. The other is a long-standing box of cards and addresses on scraps of paper which I plan on organizing into my rolodex and computer so that I've got everyone's name, address, phone, etc. all in place rather than digging for a little slip of paper when it's time to say hello. Lastly, I have a couple of boxes of what I call "scrapbook" things. They're the odd little tidbits of life worth hanging onto...a newspaper article about AxL, the last letter my grandmother ever wrote to me before she died, and a host of other such save-worthy items. Currently, they're crammed into a trunk which is weighed down by my little TV. In the last year, I probably tossed about fifteen to sixteen large boxes of such stuff, only hanging onto the essence of what I felt has been a pretty good life to this point. The problem is, these three little projects sit unfinished and eat away at me to some degree in the back of my mind like rust on metal. If I could get them set into the order I want, I feel like I'd finally have a certain peace that should something happen to me, whoever comes in and cleans up the remains of my days won't be greeted with a messy assortment of inexplicable oddities.

Lastly, I will put the bulk of my cash in the bank rather than spend it on things like skateboards, radio control toy cars and digital camera watches so that I'll have a solid financial foundation under me. It's improved a thousand times over from a year ago, but I'm still not quite where I wish to be. Luckily, as I ponder over the two offers about to land in my mailbox early next week, I feel I can lay that foundation and have the confidence in knowing that I can "provide" instead of sweating over keeping a roof overhead. Day by day, I've come to realize that I'm okay on my own, but I've still got the last ten yards to go.

I think back to where I was a year ago and realize that I've come a long way in so many ways. I've been through the ringer but I've grown up a lot, I've learned a ton and I've trimmed away two tons of unneeded phsyical and emotional baggage. I'm feeling lighter and less overburdened by things which I felt always held me down. I've definitely got a dash more confidence after the job search has turned out to be a rewarding endeavor in and of itself.

From here, it's just a matter of follow-through across a few areas that have been in motion. The sun will hopefully shine again soon in every way possible but time will tell. It's as if I'm on my feet, but still crouching as the time to stand approaches.

Over the next months, I'm going to keep Richie's question in mind and try to apply to other things such as work and living...what are three things that I will do differently from here on out?

Trust life, get and keep my house in order and keep building my financial base. Even if I never end up in another relationship, I'll still have done what I set out to do and there's something to be said for doing what you set your mind to.

Time to walk the dog again. Time to go through the evening floss/brush/scrub the face ritual followed by praying myself to sleep next to my best friend while he's still around. A month has flown by now and I hope they keep flying by so I can get to the point where I see where I end up. If nothing else, it's been an interesting ride full of joys and yes, some regrets...

I'm reminding of one of my favorite sayings:

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

I've got a fridge magnet that is a great follow up which I'll end with now:

Be Diligent - Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew.


Day Job Panic: 1 - just spending spring break patiently waiting for two offer letters soon.

AxL-O-Meter: 5 - he seems to be doing really well lately. I hope I'm not getting up my hopes for no reason, but he's been much, much better of late in so many ways except the limping walk and 3 a.m. pacing and once or twice a week stomach issues which are bearable.

Dream Dial: 0 - starting to actually "miss" writing on the screenplay and am looking forward to diving in again next week.

ESB: All RED! Is it Valentiine's Day again?

NYC Degree: 2 - Saw Mary the angel again today while I was running some more packages to the post office. She asked me if I lived at the post office and sent her best to AxL. Also heard that I've got 7th Row tickets behind the dugout to the Yankee's Home Opener tomorrow. booyeah!

Heart Rate: 0 - hoping to get to where I need to be someday with "three things differently."

Day 30: Bills, Bills, Bills...and more bills.

There's one small danger in having my place organized by a professional. She taught me how to keep the place neat and tidy by keeping things tucked away, out of sight. Of course, out of sight is out of mind. I open a cabinet and see a small pile of unopened envelopes. Did I mention "bills" yet? Um....yea.

I start tearing them open and start paying away from my financial cushion which is slowly deflating but somehow holding its own. It helps to know that gainful employment is not far away. I'm going to make it without being "eaten alive" as my friend Peter warned me. I've just got to make it through ten and a half more months and I'll have achieved my goal of "making it" in New York.

I actually have a tiny speck of self-pride at the moment. It's analagous to jaywalking here in the city. I learned early on while walking with Maria, when to cross against a "don't walk" sign and when it's okay. Not long ago, we were stepping off against a red light and she looked down the street for cars. Normally, you can cross with enough time to make it safely if the headlights are far enough away. After taking a step, she pulled me back.

"Whoa...that's a taxi!"

Huh? Whaaa...?"

Sure enough, a yellow taxi went whizzing by at 60 mph just inches from our kneecaps and AxL's nose. It's okay to cross if it's a normal driver doing the normal speed limit of 25 mph...but if it's a cab, stay on the curb. I've been treating my bank account the same way. I've got the normal things of rent, phone, internet and eating...and I've been jaywalking a bit here and there with things like AxL's new bed, a pari of orchids, a couple of cd's and the like...but I've been being careful of speeding taxi-type bills like new clothes and furniture which doesn't look like I'm living in a college dorm.

I did finally make a small investment in personal care today. I bought a hairdryer. My first since I can recall. Considering I'll be working again soon, I realize that I can't just pop into the salon across the street and have them dry my hair after a shower and before an interview. It's time to grow up and look presentable on my own. The cheapest hairdryer at the drugstore set's me back $13.99. If i dry my hair with it for a year, that will be just under a nickel per drying. If it lasts four years, I'm down to about a penny. Enough math.

I finish writing out the last check and applying a stamp to the envelope. AxL and I walk down 8th to get cheap Chinese take-out. I share the fortune cookie with him which reads:

"You will be free of the heavy burdens you have been carrying."

As I crunch away on the last bit of cookie and stuff the fortune into my pocket...I drop a handful of stamped envelopes with little windows on them into the mailbox on the corner. I'm free.

Day Job Panic: 1 - keeping this at a "level one" until I have actual written offers in hand. Then I'll be switching this rating over to more along the lines of how my job is actually going. Then again...is that worth writing about? Hm. Food for thought.

AxL-O-Meter: 2 - his stomach is doing slightly better by evening after yesterday's "unleashing." Oddly, late in the night, he seems to be back in his "panic/pacing" mode and we go out every two hours until 5:30 a.m. I'm not sure what's up with his hind legs, but he's having a lot of trouble walking and his feet are black with dirt from dragging and scraping the tops of them along. Maybe he had another seizure or stroke that I didn't notice...but his legs aren't as good as they were a couple of days ago.

Dream Dial: 0 - day two of spring break mode. Mulling things over in my head for getting the creative juices flowing again.

ESB: Blue, White, Blue again. Totally cool in that it almost looks like the flag of some country. This is one of my favorite color schemes so far.

NYC Degree: 3 - was pretty much a write-off today with the not much exciting beyond the NCAA Men's Finals on TV....until.....what appeared to be a drug dealer and his homey duking it out below my window around 2:30 a.m. while yelling obscenities at each other! The "boss" of the two seemed to win decisively after knocking the underling through a small mountain of trash bags before jumping on him and wailing with two arms on the downed man's face as the "F" word flew right along with every blow. Considering I'm wearing "happy face" pajama bottoms and this appears and sounds to be more of a business dealing than anything else, I decide to opt out of stepping in. The cops show up a minute later and catch the pair strutting around the corner while one of them is wiping blood from his face with his sleeve. I SO totally live in New York!

Heart Rate: 0 - can't seem to stop wondering and thinking about Venus, the little dog with one blue eye.... wishing I still had her around. Not sure why...but she grew on my heart so much in the time I had her. Oddly, I miss her more and more each day instead of slowly forgetting about her. Still contemplating trying to figure out a way to ask for her back politely.

Day 29: Spring Break

My six year old niece is on spring break. I figure that I may as well join her. I'm going to take the week off from the gym, from writing, from pretty much everything and just sit back and relax for a few days considering I'll be working again soon enough and look forward to attacking some long hours and throwing myself into new job.

My phone rings. It's regarding Friday's interview and they'd like to continue possibly employing me so they ask for references. I oblige.

My options in terms of work seem to be doubling now despite the fact that I'm officially on "vacation." As I'm going through my contacts and putting their info together, my phone rings again.

It's JP. She's gotten a job offer as well today and since she lives three hours from the city she politely asks if she can crash on my couch Friday night since her parents are driving up for her birthday celebration on Saturday and a six hour round trip on Friday doesn't make sense if she's coming back up on Saturday morning with them.

I oblige again as she's one of my favorite "New York" stories and we've now spent a good three or so hours laughing on the phone despite only meeting for a couple of minutes the night of the "Neon Aqua Shoe Russian Mafia" incident. As I hang up, I try to grasp the randomness of events and put them into some sort of logical order which makes sense.

One minute, you're trying to help a girl out, the next you're on the phone at 3 a.m. with her mom chatting away, and the next...she's going to be crashing on my couch for an evening. I'm going to need to buy another pillow since I've only invested in one so far. Then again, I could just use my "rolled up sweatshirt" as I did for the first few weeks here before I bought pillow #1.

Later in the day, I relay the story to my neighbah who asks me if I like this girl. I think about it and come to the conclusion that there's no way because I've discovered something. If I like someone, I can't get half a sentence out, let alone make her laugh for an hour over the phone. Nope, JP is a "little sister" to me and someone I'm going to watch over when/if she needs it once she moves here for her new job. In return, she's promised to help me try and "get my game" back on since I seem to have totally lost all confidence in myself when it comes to "getting out there again." The truth of the matter is, I'm still thinking that perhaps I just don't want to get out there again. Perhaps I've just had enough and I can work on being some sort of Amelie do the world good type character.

The clock has somehow raced itself around to the afternoon and I race myself to the Old Chelsea Station Post Office to mail off some packages of DVD's, books, and other odds and ends to people awaiting loaned items which I've cautiously carried across the continent. My arms are full of boxes and envelopes when I pass the angel, Mary on 8th Ave heading in the opposite direction. Dang...can't invite her to lunch. It's too late in the day and we both seem to have pressing agendas. She asks how her dog is doing, worried that he's passed on since he's not with me at the moment. She breathes a small sigh of relief that he's still plugging along but isn't welcome at the Post Office as we found out last week, much to our chagrin. I compliment her on how good her new haircut looks and we go our separate ways.

The line at the PO is out the door as if people were waiting on a Disneyland ride so I decide to skip it and head home to finish up my references for the two companies requesting them. I finish them up and send them off before walking AxL on a freezing cold evening. I stop by Cafe Filippe and order some stunning fettucine and get a cup of tea to warm up while chatting with the manager/owner and the waiter a bit about the world's cutest dog. Not long after, the world's cutest dog and I are enjoying grilled chicken fettucine back home again.

I look around at my place and realize that there's no hope for it. I'm straight and therefore lack any semblence of a "decorating gene." I think about the fact that JP is going to walk in here, take one look and give the same response that Maria gave: "hm."

It's the polite version of "this guy really needs help getting his act together..."

Then again, I don't need to have my act together right now. I'm on spring break afterall.

Day Job Panic: -1 - sounds like another offer is arriving sometime this week after reference checks are done. I really like both companies so I decide to stop sending out resumes and cover letters to enjoy "vacation."

AxL-O-Meter: 3 - he still seems to be doing great except his stomach "went South" in an evil way again today. It's been doing that once or twice a week for no reason. Meanwhile, I've been spending an hour or more each day massaging his hips and lower back and shoulders and it seems to be helping him sleep better and walk a dash better. The only sign of more decline is that his appetite is falling off a lot from last week and his left eye seems to be weeping a bit too much for some reason. Oh, right...he's an old dog. Things like that happen to old dogs.

Dream Dial: 0 - writer's block continues and again...I'm on vacation this week.

ESB: Blue, White, Blue. A very cool combination. Still not sure what all the color changes mean but am definitely going to look it up at some point online.

NYC Degree: 3 - have my first "house guest" lined up, chatted with Mary the angel again, enjoyed my favorite fettucine from Cafe Filippe. Not bad for a Monday...

Heart Rate: 1 - what the heck...I'm going to count the virtual adoption of JP, my "New York Little Sister," as a good thing. She did say that her mom would "adopt" me back within five minutes of meeting me, afterall.

Day 28: Palm Sunday

My phone rings. It's Maria asking if I want to got to mass in 15 minutes. The clocks have moved ahead an hour and I'm behind several after a late night, just waking up. I can't make it as AxL needs to be walked and I need to shower and it takes a good 15 minutes just to get him down the stairs and back up, let alone actually give him some crusing time. So I opt out.

So much for my "attend mass every Sunday"' effort. I'm derailed on the second week already. I still get up and take the dog out and begin walking. We meet a few people along our way and spy some filming trucks and stage lights on West 22nd. We decide to walk in that direction and figure we'll meet up with Maria on her way out of mass.

As we slowly move along, I realize that we're not out for a walk. We're out for a "sniff." To AxL, it's not about where we go so much as it's about what he can smell. As such, he minimizes his steps, sticking his nose on every brick and tree and stairwell corner to investigate. I've always wondered what he's thinking as he goes along. I'll never know but it's his time. As we're standing, I notice something else for the first time...the sound of birds. I'm sort of amazed that all these days have gone by where they were probably singing overhead and I just failed to hear this amazing sound of life amidst the horns, cars, construction and sirens that fill the air each day. It's nigh-Spring and I start to notice daffodils sprouting up and blooming in little oaisis pockets of dirt here and there. I think about all the cement that makes up this city surrounding the sounds of birds and the blooming flowers.

"How much does New York weigh?" Hmmm. The math is too much for my brain as I walk over yards of tangled extension cords while plowing right through the center of the film set which seems to be on break. I talk to a guy sitting in a director-type chair and ask him what's going on. They're filming an Estee Lauder commercial, complete with a fake deli storefront. Cool. We eventually get to the "Guardian Angel" church and sit down on the edge of some bricks surrounding the trunk of a tree and wait and pray just outside the closed doors. I pray for the families who keep losing loved ones in Iraq. I pray that I have more days with AxL and I pray that I can keep getting my act together and get by in life. Mass lets out and we catch up to Maria who was kind enough to get some palm fronds for me. I tell her about the commercial filming and we walk back down West 22nd so she can see it. We also see an open house for a one bedroom apartment and decide to check it as she's thinking about moving at some point. It's an amazingly large place that is amazingly expensive but fun to look at.

We eventually get back to our building and an hour later, we're off to Moonstruck Cafe with Susan, another neighbah who Maria grew up with in Maine. I find it cute that Susan and Maria live across the hall from one another after spending most of their lives together in another city before New York. We laugh to no end over a good breakfast and then walk back up West 23rd Street and into the middle of a street fair of some kind. I beg them to go through it. It's filled with kebab vendors, hats, purses, jewelery, cd's, blankets, trinkets and the typical street fair stuff. I'm told that in the summer, there's a fair like this on one street or another every weekend and I look forward to the days not too far ahead.

Our route takes us down 7th Ave and into a "going out of business" candle shop before we finally get home. I recruit AxL and walk him up to the street fair where I buy a little something for JP's upcoming birthday next Saturday. I buy a chicken kebab and share it with an incredibly appreciative AxL as we walk along. Not much happens between now and 8 p.m. when we knock on Maria's door so we can catch Inside The Actor's Studio which is hosting Kevin Costner tonight. I love this show. It's incredibly interesting and inspiring and I actually take a few notes on things that Costner says about writing - "if you can write, you cannot be denied" is my favorite quote.

Maria decides to order delivery food from "The Dish" so I hop on the bandwagon and get some fettucine with pink vodka sauce and motzah ball soup. I've never had motzah ball soup and figure it will be a tiny new york adventure in some way. When it arrives, she sets up a tray for me as Waterworld starts to roll. What the heck, it's a fun movie. AxL and I stay and after I'm done eating, I play with Cha Cha the cat during the movie. He sits on the wood TV tray and I scoot a pen around the edge from the underside as he spins in crazy circles trying to catch it. Before long, it's late, the movie is over and it's time to walk around the neighborhood with AxL one more time.

It's dark and the birds aren't singing. I think back about the quiet day and thank God that I'm still here with my dog. The days are slipping behind us one by one and we're getting by which is all one can really hope for. There seems to be new stuff at every turn from Estee Lauder commercial shoots to motzah ball soup.

Oh...and if you've never had motzah ball soup...it's a big baseball sized chunk of dumpling-like dough plopped into chicken broth.

Day Job Panic: 1 - looking forward to what next week brings...

AxL-O-Meter: 5 - seems to be okay although his panting and pacing have stepped up a notch today and his "weepy" left eye seems to be extra-weepy for some reason, leaving a dark stream of wetness down his left cheek.

Dream Dial: 0 - I generally take Sundays off from writing. Day of rest and all.

ESB: White...ever the mysterious white.

NYC Degree: 6 - Walked through Estee Lauder shoot, got palms for Palm Sunday from Maria, had brunch at Moonstruck Cafe, walked through the West 23rd Street Fair, and caught Inside The Actor's Studio with Kevin Costner as guest. Not bad for a Sunday...

Heart Rate: 0 - hanging in there. hope floats like a popsicle stick in a rain puddle filling a pothole.