Little Fish, Big River, Bigger City

Love 101

Forgive me. I'm going to talk about the heart for a bit. My heart. Or what's left of it. Which, in many respects is still a hell of a lot.

First, all of this is going to come from the heart.

Second, this isn't easy but it's been eating away at me and I can't let it. I must release what's been held back.

Third, at the bottom of my existence, which is exactly about now...is where everything is stripped away and only the rawest of truth lies.

Hours from now, I will gently be there as I watch a needle slip under the skin of a creature which is pure in nature. I will comfort him as his life quietly slips away while mine continues. I will do this against my own will, because I am following my heart and know...it will ease his future suffering. I am finally becoming brave. I am finally finding strength. I am finally finding courage to stand alone without the very thing which has been the very best...of me.

As I write this, he sleeps next to me on the floor quietly. I know he is tired. I know he needs his final rest.

For what it's worth, I know love. For what it's worth, I'll explain it here, as best I know it.

First, it's setting aside your own selfishness to put the feelings of others before your own. It's the ability to be there when you know someone else is hurting and you are the only one to ease the pain. Like a bridge over troubled water. I will lay me down.

Love is seeing the good in someone. And it is forgiving imperfection. Love is saying "it's okay, we all make mistakes." Love is the ability to look yourself in the mirror and see that you are not perfect and no one is. Love is the ability to let imperfection wash away while hanging onto the gold dust that each of us brings to life. It's giving up the "holier than though" attitude and saying..."we all deserve to fall apart now and then. It's okay."

I have been gagging for the last three nights while cleaning up the most vile and putrid messes imaginable. I have been doing this while gently loving, while gently putting aside my own comfort for the sake of another. Love is dropping your own comfort in order to comfort another. In doing so, I find myself learning a valuable lesson. I find myself learning that it is not always about me. I pass the lesson to you.

Love has nothing to do with being loved. Love has everything to do with loving another. Love has nothing to do with what you get or how much you can squeeze out of someone even if you feel entitled, it has everything to do with what you give even when you don't feel like it.

Love is pushing yourself beyond your own limits, beyond your own edge and risking more than you have in order to lift someone else up when they need it.

Love is being there not out of convenience but out of courage. It is being there when it is hardest for you to do so. It is being there when your brain says no, but somewhere in your heart, you know it is right.

Love is taking the time.

Love is losing the self for a moment...for another.

Love is its own reward.

And love never goes unrewarded.

Love is quite patience. Love is quiet understanding. Love is unconditional forgiveness and love is gentle compassion.

Love is easing the pain of another.

Love is setting your attitude aside.

Love is risking being hurt in order to stop others from hurting.

There are two sides to life. Good and evil.

Love is the good side.

Think about it.

Then act.

Life is short and we all need to do the good we can for others while we're here.

It's easy to understand if you turn it all around.

Think for a moment if we were to all act selfishly

Constantly. Never giving, always taking.

Where does that lead?

What do we gain but the moment's prize?

Which is quickly lost.

Because in doing so,

We lose ourselves.

Give when you can't

Love even when it hurts

Others first

Self last

And that...

is love 101.

Lesson learned and passed on.

Take it to heart...

And make the world better

Because you took the time

When someone needed you

The Lowest 48

The last forty-eight hours have been the toughest of my life, our life. They've also been the most tender. It's strange how two things such as warm love and happiness can co-exist with sadness and eventual loss. I've nearly run out of tears. I'm exhausted emotionally and AxL, bless his wonderfully good heart, seems exhausted, too.

He is so brave right now, barely able to walk more than a block or three, limping with baby steps as he goes. I shared some NY Pepperoni Pizza with him. He loves the crust out here, nice and thin...like he is: ribs, hips and backbone all sticking out.

Last night was what I would politely call "another messy event." Today has been an exercise in humility as I've just been slowly taking him about this wonderful neighborhood full of kind people we meet every step of the way. No one seems to mind the tears running down my face as they pet him and comfort him and wish me well while I try to clean up the heart-wrenching mess. I've gone through at least twelve plastic bags in the last few hours as I try to scrape up his failing stomach's contents every thirty minutes or so. Last night, he kept trying his best to sniff and pee, but nothing was happening. Eventually, he just fell over while peeing on himself. I can't say how much my heart breaks to watch my best friend dying. We return home and he paces around, uncomfortable, scared, sad...yet he puts on his brave little act and his happiest face to make me feel better.

But I know him, I know his looks. I also get the sad eyes which seem to say "what's happening to me? I don't feel so hot." My little furry soldier. My courageous best friend. My incredible inspiration and my closest family. He's so much to me as he becomes so less, minute by minute.

We went to the vet. It was time. We left the vet. I couldn't face the time yet again. The vet and three assistants all tried to comfort me in saying that they always perk up in the office but if he's not well at home, that's what I have to think about. The best I could do was make an appointment for 4:40 on Monday since they are closed tomorrow. I was told that if he passes before then, that the city wouldn't allow me to put him in a box for the garbage men. I was floored at the comment but figure that's what some people unlike myself might do. I will get his ashes back. I will cherish them always and spread bits of them about as I travel in life from here, leaving them in all the places he's visited and loved to be...Colorado, Seattle, and especially...San Francisco, his favorite place ever.

I'm going to take Monday off from work and just spend every minute with him, gently stroking his fur, talking to him with my last words for him full of thanks for all he's been to a lost little boy who has grown to be a man with him by my side. Because of him, I have learned unconditional love and forgiveness. I have learned what it means to stick by someone, thick and thin, better or worse.

I gave him the best life I could. I really believe that. And he did the same for me. I really know that. I've been blessed to say the least. I keep telling myself...it's okay, he's a dog...don't be so torn up about it. The fact is, he's more than a dog. He's more than most people I know. I never dreamed that I'd be going through this so alone yet I am. I guess there are some doors we just have to go through alone. I could use a hug but there's no one but him. I try not to think of what it will be like to walk home three blocks on Monday after he's gone. It's tearing me apart inside.

I look for good things in life. I'm going to meet the screenwriter husband of a college friend's sister. (Can you follow that?) I look forward to writing the screenplay of AxL's life with me...how we found each other, how he changed me into something so much better, especially in the last few months...I have grown and learned and become so much better than I ever was. It's as if I'm taking on his heart, his love. It's as if he's passing it on to me as he slowly passes on himself.

I find myself dying inside right along with him. I am losing my family yet one more time. I am scared. Scared to be alone, scared to be sad and crying without comfort about me. I'll face it as bravely as I can and continue on, trying to smile and shine day by day with warm memories in my heart.

I find myself able to write despite being unable to see through my tears. Just when I think I've run out, they start to flow again. I wish there was a way to say what this is like...to feel so sad yet so happy that I know love. It's such a strange concoction of the heart.

We have forty-seven hours and thirty five minutes left together. I know that I simply must be brave this time. Whenever AxL used to fall, LoLo would say "walk it off..." and he would. I remember her words now and will try to "walk it off" after it's over. I still must keep a roof over my head, I must go to work, I must keep giving to the world in my own way, trying to make it better, day by day as only I can. I know I have in the past and I mustn't stop now. As AxL has brought so much to so many lives, I will do my best to pick up where he leaves off. I'll try and enrich others' lives in just being me as he did.

I used to put on my resume, "striving to be the person my dog thinks I am." Now I'll "strive to be the person my dog was."

Forty-seven hours and thirty-one minutes. Why must time pass so quickly? Why must life be so short? I still feel it's worth living yet I so wish that I could just go with him, side by side into his next adventure. I have prayed so hard for the last few days. I know he's going to have the most wonderful place up in heaven. All dogs go to heaven as they say. I picture him with soft grass, cool breezes and squirrels galore to chase up trees. I picture him meeting my grandma and going for walks with her along gentle mountain trails, not too steep, but full of great things to smell. I ramble, lost in what heaven must be like, knowing he'll be in a much better place all too soon.

Meanwhile, I'll be here...patiently. I'll hang his leash and collar next to my door so that I'll never forget him. Not that I could.

I am so very sad now. If a heart could truly bleed, mine is. I nuzzle my wet face into his wonderful fur, soaking in the smell of him for one of the last times. I lay my head against his ribs and listen to his good heart. How wonderful this angel is...how very, very wonderful. And how very tired.

I feel I know what he's thinking. I wish to say it, but I can't. I can only do what I know he's telling me to do...patiently love. Bravely go forward. Live my life. Never give up hope.

Forty-seven hours and twenty minutes.

I will so miss you my friend. I so love you.

Forty-seven hours and eighteen minutes. Time for another slow walk...luckily not our last. I had no idea when I found you what a blessing you would be...I had no idea that you were an angel so long ago, but now...without a doubt, I do. I know you'll keep watch over me from above. Please bring me a miracle that will erase my emptiness that you will leave me with. I've been sad for so long now...I'm ready to just be happy but I know it will be a long time and an incredible test of patience. I will trust life. I will shine with you in my heart always.

Yes, you have a good heart. But more than that...you have the best heart.

What else can I say but thank you for loving me. I'm so undeserving, yet...I must be deserving in some way or you would not have been sent my way so long ago.

Thank you, my friend. Thank you.

A Word From THE Dog

I'm not a good typist so Scott is helping me out as I dictate here. Let's start at the end: I'm tired. Now let's go to the beginning as I've got some stuff to say which I hope you'll take to heart. I've got a good heart so listen, k?

First, Never ever give up hope. I was pretty much dead twelve years ago. Scott picked me up. As much as he's a screw up, he did that one thing right. I was ready to call it a day. I was starving, freezing and felt like I couldn't make it another day in that truck stop. It was friggin' cold. And then I got lucky when a lost kid found a lost dog and away we went. I ate, I lived, I loved...all because of one guy's compassion for me. There's a lot to be said for what he's done for me. Too much to be said, really. There's just something about him that I can't quite put into words because I don't know that many words...but he took me in and gave me a life that I never thought I would have.

He always put me first. He seems to do that with the ones he loves. Some don't see it, but I have. No matter what, he'll take it in the shorts just to make others happy. He always does. He's not much as far as people go but he's got that going for him. He's rare in that I've never met anyone so willing to just give and give and give. Others don't see it, but he's got a good heart, too. It's why I have spent all of my days with him. I woudn't have if I didn't believe in him. No, he's not perfect, but then again...no one is. What matters is this guy just keeps trying his hardest. Again, it's rare. I've met thousands of people in my line of work. There's only one Scott.

As much I'm lazy, he's got an energy about him that I love to see each day. He makes people smile. He smiles a lot himself. He just keeps going when the going gets tough. I've been doing the same, trying to keep up with him, but I'm done now. I'm ready to go to sleep soon. I know I've napped a lot over the years, but I'm ready for the big nap.

Twelve years ago, I got sent down here to look after him. I've done my job as far as I can and it's time for me to call it a day. I had a special mission and while it's not completed yet...I have every confidence that it will work out in time. I'm not just a dog, I'm an angel and so I know these things. God has plans that sort of twist and turn...but they end up where they should. Take it from me. I got thrown into a truck stop in the middle of nowhere at just the right time in just the right place. God does that. He throws people into places so that things work out for them. Scott just got thrown yet again, but he's on his feet and where he should be so that I can peacefully leave him knowing it'll work out.

He's made his mistakes but he's learned from them. I taught him well. The lessons have been tough...but he's an A+ student and a good kid. I love him to pieces and I smile when I look at him because I know he's finally on the right road. He's got a great job now and his writing career is starting to take off on the side. Like me before he found me, life beat him up early on. It's made him stronger and better though. When you go through what he has, you get a character about you that is like no other. It's why I am the way I am and why he is the way he is.

He didn't get much love as a little one...but he's learned it with me. If there's one thing this guy knows it's love. I can't say enough about that. He can love and forgive and love some more like no one I've seen. It took him awhile to get there, but he's there. I know it in how he takes care of me now. I've seen it over the past year and now I know I can let him go and he'll be fine.

I'm a bit hazy right now. Today has been really hard. So I'll talk about our adventures while I still can remember them. We lived in Colorado and chased squirrels every day in the mountains. We hiked up over 14,000 feet once in the dead of winter, just the two of us. We lived in DC and in LA and in Seattle where we made Amazon.com successful. We lived in San Francisco and we traveled the coast and the continent more times than I can count. He gave me a life that dogs don't normally get and so when I get back to heaven soon, I'm going to send a bunch of good stuff his way. The last months have been a bit harsh on him but it's all just been a little test. I needed to see that he could hit bottom and still be okay. He has and is. I'm not sure that there are many out there who can go through what he has and still shine. As far as dogs go, I'm the tops and that's why I got him a special project.

We started a business together and made it thrive. We had fun with it and I know it will keep going long after I'm gone. I finally got to see my treats in stores coast to coast. Pretty cool stuff. We're in New York now and this is where I will check out soon. I got him where he should be. If there's one thing this angel dog knows, it's that there is a reason for everything and a lesson in all that happens. Scott's lessons have been to learn love, to learn forgiveness of himself and others and to learn patience. He's on that final lesson now. Patience.

For those of you who knew me...I'm sure you understand what I mean by patience. It's the ability to do your thing and not rush it. It's the ability to trust God and life and let it just come to you instead of the other way around. Don't make it happen, let it happen as I always say. Don't bark and jump around and act stupid...just go about your day quietly...and keep your door open for love to walk into your life.

Here's a cute story. My favorite one right now. A friend came to visit us last week. We went out and had Thai food and came home. Scott walked up to the door and just opened it without keys. Our friend exclaimed that he was crazy...this was NEW YORK CITY!!!! LOCK YOUR DOOR!!!

Scott smiled and said, "I just don't believe in locked doors. I've spent too much of my life keeping people out rather than letting them in."

I like the open door thing. In fact, I love it because I know that someday soon, someone is going to discover it and walk through and find Scott as he found me. I know they'll love him as he loved me, too. It's the "movie ending" to his story. It's going to take awhile but that's the patience part I was talking about earlier. The only thing that matters is that it's always open. So is his heart.

I wish in some ways that I had more time with him as I'd love to be around when the good stuff happens. Ill be able to watch from where I'll be. Again, I'm tired. I got him where he needed to be and now I just gotta go.

He always said that he was so lucky to find me. To tell you the truth, I'm the lucky one. I had the best life a dog could ever have. I don't know that there's anyone else out there who would've given me what he did. I led a better life than most people do. I was blessed when our paths crossed. Not a bad deal for an angel sent down to straighten a kid out. It's been a wonderful trip.

And so, this good heart is ready to rest for good. I know that I'll be able to live on inside another good heart. Life is short but beautiful. Here's some advice: take the chance of going through the open doors life brings you. I jumped through the open door of Scott's car twelve years ago and look what it brought me: the best life I ever could have had.

Thank you everyone for all of your smiles and good times and especially the treats.

Lastly, thank you to a special someone who knows who they are. Never forget me or the things we talked about...you were special to me for a reason and I loved you more than anyone else for a reason. You know that's true with all your heart. Don't forget that and never ever ever forget me...but instead, hang onto it with all you're worth...I can't tell you why, I just know it. That's how dogs are..."dog" is "God" spelled backwards, after all. Take the time to take care of my best friend for me after I'm gone. He's worth it.

WIth that, I'm going to take another nap now. I've got some hours left in me. Maybe a few days or a week even. Not a lot, but enough. It's been a dang good life. It's been a dog's life.

Can't

For the second time in as many weeks, we have just returned from the vet. We went to do the unthinkable, the inevitable. We went to let AxL go to sleep. Again, I broke down and just had to walk out. I got as far as getting the pricing and making arrangements for his ashes to be returned to me. The cost is around $350 plus tax. Seems wrong to put it into financial terms but it's the only thing I can do to keep this from hurting as much as it does.

I'm not sure why, but I know this is something I have to do yet I just can't seem to bring myself to do it and so we limp home at a ridiculous pace, barely making it to the door as I ease my best friend along.

I'm at a loss. I'm somewhere between warm and wonderful memories of all our time and adventures together and the sadness of losing all I've got left right now.

I'm a mess. Hard to admit...yet, again...makes me feel like at least I have a heart. I'm not sure why God is putting me through this. I spend my nights just trying to comfort AxL and my days worrying if he's about to go any second. It's like a toture either way. It's unavoidable pain.

I don't know if it's worse to just keep hanging on while watching him go between being fine and being so out of it that I have to shake him to get him out of the corner. He falls down a lot lately. It sounds like he's being thrown to the floor. He just pees while sleeping and it's nothing easy to clean up him and the floor all while trying to see through my tears.

Then he goes back to being good old AxL. Just fine. Like nothing's wrong at all. Hope/despair/hope/despair. Sad/happy/sad/happy.

Heaven and hell. My days and my nights. My joy, my pain.

I thank all of you who have emailed me or called or IM'd me with your well wishes. You've kept me smiling through the tears.

At the end of the day, I'm glad that I have feelings like this. It means I know love. There's no greater miracle than to know that I can love and love well...no matter how much it can hurt me at times, the good times were worth it all and I'd do it all over again. Except there won't be another AxL. Those of you who know him know what I mean.

So we pass the minutes and hours by as each little day passes underneath us. I'm not ready to be alone yet. But I know the day is coming like a freight train. I lay myself down on the tracks and hope it will be fast rather than as tortuous as the last day has been for me. I can't take this much longer. My heart is so broken down right now...

If only he showed the signs of really going one way or the other for sure. He teases me with his moments of being fine and it's a cruel trick. Perhaps that's what I get for having a couple of cats for a short spell. It's AxL's payback now...

I just smiled. That's a big thing today. Time to blow my nose again. Time to wipe my eyes again. Time to just keep loving this angel a bit more. If only he could take me with him when he goes. But I guess I have more life to live. He blessed me for a spell. Maybe he'll keep blessing me from above.

It's going to be weird without him when the time comes soon. I know I'll keep stuffing plastic bags in my pockets long after he's gone. I know I'll cry every time I find a hair of his floating about my clothes. I hope I find them for a long, long time.

I love this dog.

AxL's Autumn

Over the last twenty-four hours, my best friend has started showing signs that it's about time. Bluntly, "control" has been lost for the most part. I took the day off from work in order to be with him and am taking this weekend to just see how things go.

In short, I may have to let him go soon unless he comes around in some way. I've been through four rolls of paper towels and can tell that he's not having much fun either.

Usually, I'm not at a loss for words but find I simply can't write more now. The last week in New York has been wonderful in terms of the things I've seen, done and explored but those are stories for a better day when I'm not typing through tears.

For those of you who know him, it's time to send your well-wishes, your kind thoughts, your favorite memories that I might read to him as we spend hours just sitting on the floor...best buddies in our last days together at the end of more than twelve years of a dog loving a guy who never deserved it.

All I can really say as I sign off here is that I know I will spend the rest of my days living as he lived his. The vet always said he had a "good heart" and I plan on keeping him in mine so he'll keep shining after he's gone back to heaven where he came from.

I wrote a poem for him during our last road trip together and will share it now:

Ode To AxL

Here we are, my friend
Ending as we began
Somwhere along a lonely highway
Lonely ourselves, Lost in life
Finding friendship, finding our way together
Over the miles, over the years
Through the lows to find the highs
Through the pain to find the joy
We never wavered, we never gave up

Time passes and seasons roll
Your winter is nigh for I know
Soon your heart must rest and be cold
I will grieve, but I will warmly remember you
Luckily, we have days before that day
So here we go, one last ride
One last adventure into the unknown
With new faces for me, and new smells for you

Let’s make the most of what’s left
Remembering what’s right
You - The only thing I’ve done right
You - The only thing I’ve got left

Thank you for your loyalty
Thank you for believing in me
Thank you for true friendship
Thank you for you loving me, despite me
I am better and different because of you
You brought out the best and forgave the rest
I learned love, I learned patience,
And I learned to forgive myself

Before you go I’d like to ask
One small favor from a furry angel
You once told someone to hurry
Because you were tired
So, when you get to heaven
Perhaps you could gently nudge again
For I love her, as I have loved you
And to have neither of you
Would not be life at all

Thank you for your time
My best friend
Thank you for your lessons
My patient teacher
Thank you for your love
My tiny family
Thank you for blessing me
My furry angel
Thank you for being
My AxL

I am faithfully by your side
Until your last breath
I will faithfully keep you in my heart
Until my last breath

Save a spot for me up there
And if you must,
Sneak me in the back door
So that we might go for walks
And chase squirrels again

You were always more
Than just a dog
You were kindness
And gentleness and forgiveness
And love...for a boy
Who never deserved
Someone so wonderful as you