Little Fish, Big River, Bigger City

Day 2

I'm waking up. The number of days that have gone by in the year have now doubled. I look down at the treatment I'm working on and see that I'm right on schedule for the day: page 15...just five more pages to reach the goal for the day. The plot is thickening, the twists are turning and the audience is clueless about the real outcome, the real villains in the thriller. I love the story I'm working on. It's not mine, but, I love the message: life isn't fair and just when you think someone is bad, they turn out to actually be good...they just had a bit of trouble with things life was throwing at them here and there...and the goodie two-shoes friend? The squeaky clean, perfect manners, perfect life, perfect job, perfect everything guy who everyone loves through the whole two hours? He's the freakin' backstabbing devil who takes his best friend's life, wife, and every penny in his estate. In other words, it's the perfect people you need to watch out for...life isn't fair.

I'm still in a bit of disbelief that I'm actually, finally, after years and years and years of chasing dollars so that I could go off and be a writer, well...I'm a writer now even though none of those "dollar chasing jobs" worked out...it's almost hard to accept that it's real...yet here I am. I spend all day and most of the night thinking as my characters think, letting their actions flow through my fingers as the movie plays itself out in my imagination and onto the white screen of my laptop. The lettering on my keyboard is starting to wear off. It's a comfortable feeling, like wearing your favorite tattered sweatshirt on a saturday morning.

When the director/producer/co-writer told me the story line...I have to admit, I got goosebumps, a smile spread across my face and chills ran down my back all at once. I have some movie ideas myself which I'll develop at some point down the road. They're all very different from this one - they are what you would call the "reformation plot" or "Ugly Duckling" story line. I tend to have a "Cinderella" outlook on life. My ideas are all about the little guy making it big by dealing with twists of fate. My own stories are fairly parallel to Forrest Gump, Finding Nemo, Regarding Henry and that entire genre.

This film is nothing I ever would have come up with on my own. However, my imagination is easily able to sink its teeth into the story as so much of it is closely related to things I've gone through and experienced here and there. In writing, good advice is to "write what you know." This is a bit different than "write what you believe." I think a writer can actually do both, though not always in the same story.

So here I am.

My own Ugly Duckling...writing what I know, while living what I believe...life may not always be fair, but the little guy can make it big afterall.

Day 1

Life is good. I started the day early, around 7, with a four mile run. Afterward, I stretched, did some push-ups and sit-ups and stretched some more. I showered and oddly, went for a long walk to "write" in my head. I returned to my desk and began working on a "treatment" which is an expanded and greatly detailed version of a "scene outline." Treatments, when done right, can run eighty to as many as three hundred pages and a typical goal is about ten pages per day. I got to page five, took a break, ate a banana.

I pondered life and thought about goals for the year. I set three of them, figuring that one, would be too few and more than three would be too many. I set one financial goal, one professional goal, and most of all, one personal goal which really, is nothing more than a leftover dream from last year that I knew I had to reach this year.

There are still a few balls juggling around up in the air. Oddly, they don't matter much. What matters most is that my feet are on the ground. The Segway Tour is still a huge "maybe" and hopefully, in a matter of days, I'll know if the key sponsor is still willing to do it or not. If they stall any longer, I'm going to politely go my own way as I feel the "novelty" of the Segway is about to wear off and a cross-country tour will soon be a big yawn. Timing can be everything. And time, as we all know is short.

Speaking of time, I'm staring another birthday in the face in just three months. I'll be a mature 39. Hm....39. How about that? I was talking to a friend about how we change as we grow older. We chatted about how the body, mind and even the heart can evolve over time. Crazy as it sounds, I've changed in ways I never dreamed possible. My sense for high adventure seems to be waning, day by day and I find myself craving stability instead. I seem to have lost my "risk tolerance" financially and have settled into a save, save, save mode. Even my desire to live in a million places has morphed into a desire for a place I can call home for a good spell. Currently, I'm not sure where that will be, but I'm just a coin toss away from deciding. (Gotta keep it exciting to a small degree, right?)

The biggest shocker, at least to those who have known me the past few years, is that I'm actually thinking about having children...yes...despite my swearing on my own grave that I never would...something inside of me clicked somewhere along the line. Granted, I have a few steps to get there, such as finding someone who would actually love me enough to marry me, but c'mon people, those are minor details. The big thing is, yea...wow...I would like to be a father in the next couple of years or so...depending on the minor details mentioned above.

I used to see children as a financial burden, as a time burden, as a massive responsibility I did not want to deal with. Perhaps there's a chemical that's released in the brain at a certain time in everyone's life where the biological clock dings and we suddenly have aspirations of parenthood. I was watching a video of a friend's baby recently. I watched spellbound as this beautiful boy crawled, picked things up, screamed, laughed, ate, stood, giggled and did all things baby. A single thought was in my mind the entire forty minutes...watching a baby, is watching a miracle from God: the miracle of life itself.

Perhaps the reason I'm more "settled" in all of my thinking now is that in the past four months, I've become settled in my own soul. I've stopped running, stopped hiding, stopped trying to escape from something inexplicable. An unknown fear and dark desperation have vanished as I've come to terms with the unfairness that life can deliver. In doing so, I've been rewarded with the sweetness that life also can deliver if we open ourselves up to it rather than shutting it out.

It's kind of crazy, life. If we have fears, they generally come true. On the flipside, if we have dreams, those come true as well. The key is, you can't fear your dreams, you have to embrace them...like a baby. Nurture them, care for them and grow them with love and before you know it, you've got a life worth living.

Someone recently said to me that they have one dream and that is to be happy. No offense, but I think they have it a little bit backwards. We only find happiness by pursuing our dreams. With that, I'm off to sleep...and yes, to dream.

Underdog Overcomes

I recently watched the movie Seabiscuit...being the sensitive guy that I am, I fully admit that I began crying when Chris Cooper said, "You don't throw a whole life away just because it's a little banged up..."

I pretty much kept on with the tears until the final finish line. I'm not sure why, but for some reason, I really can relate to that amazing movie and the incredible characters in it. Like Seabiscuit, not everything in life has gone my way. Yet I somehow have had enough will to not give up even in the darkest moments. In doing so, I'm coming to learn more and more that, like the stoic little horse, I've got a damn good heart and a ton of spirit. I'm coming to learn that I spent too much time not liking myself in the least, too much time derailing every effort, too much time convincing myself I was undeserving of anything good. I've come to learn over the last few months that this is no way to spend time.

I pulled out a list of the goals I set for myself last New Year's Eve and looked them over. I was astounded. Somehow, despite the twists and turns, broken dreams, and royal kicks to the groin I've taken over this year, I can check off almost every goal.

For starters, AxL Snaks "Beer Biskits" are in six stores and counting and checks are already in the bank. It felt like it would never happen, yet, I got the boxes printed, treats baked and the final products in stores and checks collected (with the help of some great friends) in the final days of the year.

For several years, I've embarassingly had a large tax liability due to an obscure law. With the help of a great attorney, I was able to reverse the last bit of liability and land a refund which funded the dog treat venture. "Relief" does not even begin to describe the feeling of having that checked off the list.

Next, I read some books on personal financial management in an effort to turn my "paycheck to paycheck" living around. I quit "impulse spending," sold off as many things as I possibly could, brought in a few thousand bucks and, thanks to a new job situation, paid off my credit cards in full as of today. Zero balances all around. Time to cancel the little devils now as I'm never going into debt again. No way, no how.

Further, I started paying attention to a couple of small investments I had. I began noting when they were and weren't doing well and I moved them around accordingly. My small portfolio is now nearing what I would call "respectable" as it's had a 64% gain over the year thanks to my TLC.

Somewhere around April, I rescued Venus the dog and gave her a more than loving home with me and AxL. Throughout the holidays, she's rescued me right back with her energetically joyful attitude and unconditional love. Dogs never lie about love and they never give up on you when things aren't perfect. Thanks to these two wonderful souls, I've learned to do the same. I think I'll always have a dog (or two).

I guess one of the biggest things is that I started the year about a thousand miles from the finish line of a cross country solo bike ride. I finished that without a problem.

I began to write a book about the adventure, and set the goal of at least sending the book off for consideration. I didn't finish that book, however, another adventure, namely a cross-country Segway Tour plopped itself into my lap. I spent six months working on what turned out to be great first chapters of this odyssey and a few weeks ago, I took the brave step of sending it off to an agent. Goal checked off. The agent rejected the proposal saying he wasn't the "travel book" type but he did compliment my writing, which I guess is a good thing. Luckily, the rejection bounced off of my ego since I know that the average writer can get as many as twenty rejections before landing a deal. I consider myself an above average writer so I'm figuring that thirty or forty rejections should be in order.

Lastly...I set a huge goal of becoming a paid writer, someway, somehow...and, sure enough as of today...I've signed a contract to work on a screenplay. The opportunity came entirely out of the blue with just hours left in the year.

So here I sit, sipping on bottled water on New Year's Eve. (An adventurer needs to treat his body like a temple, you know.) I fully admit that I started the year on a high note, full of hopes and dreams and wishes. I hit rock bottom in the middle and lost everything, literally, everything except AxL. I felt that I'd never ride again, I'd never join the race. I was a little too banged up. Luckily, I didn't throw my whole life away.

So, 2004...here I come...It may be that those who do most, dream most.

I may be 38, but I'm still in incredible shape from working out most every day. I finally feel good about who I am, who I have become, how I've shaped my life into where it is...as well as where its headed. My spirit is shining once again, stronger and brighter than ever. Dog snacks are selling and bringing in a sweet little side-income, I'm debt free, I've got a sizeable rainy-day fund, plus a more than respectable income doing what I was meant to do: write, create, dream and write some more.

Where ever you are Seabiscuit, thanks for inspiring me to keep on running after my dreams with all my heart.