Fear Not, Angels Exist
As the car slowly made its way along the dark, curving road, rain pounded into the roof like popcorn pinging against a pot lid. The driver's heart began to beat faster as the scenery brought back one of the scariest moments of his life from 32 years ago. He was six years old all over again, and riding in a car toward the cemetery where services were about to be held for both of his parents. His unknowing three-year old sister sat next to him, happily looking out the window. The boy bravely sat quietly while a terrifying feeling of permanent death clutched his stomach. They were never coming back...ever.
The man pulled the car up to the office and went inside. As the woman at the desk looked up the location of the gravesites, the man stared out the window at the rain pelting the gravel parking lot. The twenty minutes it took to look up his parents' names and print a small map to their headstone felt like days. He remained as blank as he could despite the fact that this was the first time he would be seeing their headstone since that day long ago.
A few months ago, life had swept the man along a seemingly random river until he plummeted off a steep waterfall into a boiling mass of disorienting foam and rumbling, crashing water below. He thought it was the end, but as he bobbed to the surface, he found himself floating in a peaceful pool where he was now contentedly relaxing, as if taking a dip on a summer day. The gentle hand of counseling had saved him from drowning and was now teaching him to swim, here in the waters of his past fears which had nearly drowned him. He now found it to be serenely navigable. Here, he was no longer in a river full of raging rapids, bouncing painfully off of rocks, gasping for air while racing along with the current. Now he was able to swim as he saw fit, and eventually, exit the pond entirely to continue on his way.
The woman handed the man a map, he walked outside, climbed into the car and drove up a wide path to park at the indicated place. He climbed out and flipped up the hood on his jacket. He walked down a tiny trail while looking from side to side for a blue headstone. They were all pink. He continued to look while his jacket became soaked and eventually his skin began to feel a cold wetness. He was about to give up and run away like he had so often done. He remained and continued looking for that which has haunted and scared him his entire life. There, behind him, he saw a glimpse of blue as he turned around and looked in the direction opposite of what was indicated on the map. How many times do we find that the path to what we seek in life is directly opposite from where we are looking now?
His heart felt a one-inch spear go through the center of it. Another spear went through his stomach, then another. He slowly walked between graves, weaving his way toward the slight blue showing from beneath leaves and branches. The man knelt down as rain continued to soak him through. His right hand reached out, trembling, afraid to touch yet strong enough to fight past it. He gently wiped pine needles, branches and molding leaves from the stone.
His eyes rained quietly, slowly at first and then...as his own last name became legible, his face began to match the deluge around him. He put a six year old fist to his mouth to quiet himself down in front of the adults. He longed to turn his face into the shoulder of a loved one who would comfort him, however he was alone now. Slowly, he cleaned the debris from the entire stone while marveling that the color of it matched his own gun metal gray-blue eyes. There was something appropriate in the thought, that the universe and history and life are all connected in the way that they should be.
The man softly touched his mother's name as he missed her as if it were the day he learned of her passing. He let himself remain in the feeling without fighting back. He knew it was a moment of acceptance and healing rather than something to push down. He had come so far in the last two months as he had slowly discovered he was a classic text book case of an adult who acted in self-defeating ways resulting from fatherly abuse as a boy combined with losing both parents at an early and traumatizing age. He had been haunted his entire life by something he refused to remember, refused to accept and refused to face. One day, he came face to face with it all and took the time to overcome everything in order to mature and grow into that which he was so capable of for so long yet he fought against out of fear and pain. In facing the ghosts which haunted him, he was able to lay them to rest by helping them find peace.
He reached his hand across to his father's name. He softly brushed the muck aside..."I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you...I'm okay now, I wasn't for a long, long time, but I am now..." He felt his dad inside his heart, touching him softly from somewhere else for a moment. It was a touch which asked forgiveness and deserved it.
The man felt a sense of strength welling from within as he knelt in this moment that he had feared for so long. He realized that sometimes it is doing exactly what we fear that will get us to our every desire. The man's fingers slowly and smoothly moved back across the blue-gray marble to his mother's name again. He felt as he had never felt in life. He felt oddly "normal," at peace with himself, at peace with being a man instead of a frightened six year old boy trapped inside a thirty-eight year old body that all too often acted as a child. The man realized as the rain continued to pelt him and his eyes continued to cry that he had finally done it. He had finally come through all that which has held him back for so long in every area of his life. He grew up, he let go of pain and fear as he was now facing the worst of it and was okay.
The man asked his mom with all of his heart about a question he has been unable to answer the last few months. It was a question of letting go or hanging onto a certain, seemingly impossible dream. The man quietly listened with all of his heart. The sound of the rain plop-plopped on the Gore-tex hood of his jacket as the answer slowly came to him. The man had never really thought that he would "hear a voice" inside, let alone his mother's voice from so long ago, but there it was. The man was not overly religious, but this moment sent chills and electricity through him in a way that was beyond an earthly existence.
"Hold on, it will be and sooner than you think. I am helping you from where I am and you will see that the impossible is possible. Smile and keep on your path, keep getting stronger and your greatest wish, you deepest desire will softly come to you soon."
The man's heart remained peaceful at the words. His first inclination was to disregard them, to give up hope, to deny himself the possibility of future happiness. But no, things were different now...no more six year old needing to hide...it is time to let the good he deserves come to him. It is time to stop holding himself back from happiness. The man asked his mom again just to be sure. Her voice, from so long ago was crystal clear and convincing. His eyes stopped raining even though the clouds did not. He returned to his car, took off his sopping jacket and began to drive away. Warmth glowed from deep within as he felt the last few months of changes solidfy and flourish in his soul.
In facing his greatest fear, he found his greatest peace and answers to his life's most difficult question through an uncommon ally, an angel if you will, in the voice of his mother. As he drove along, he thought to himself, "people die, love doesn't and angels are working miracles all around us, slowly turning the seemingly impossible into reality for those who deserve it." The cemetery disappeared around the corner behind the car. His mother's voice gently spoke one more time, "like a man rescued from starvation on an island appreciates food more than those who have it every day, those hearts which feel the greatest pain are the most capable and the most deserving of feeling and appreciating the greatest love." The man smiled knowing that soon, the maternal and angelic voice would be rescuing him from his island. His fears lay behind him and his future lay before him as he drove on in the direction of his dreams.