Little Fish, Big River, Bigger City

Rebuilding

As I sat down to write today, I pondered what to say. I decided to write about "rebuilding" things. I used to have a poster titled "The Land Of Make Believe" next to my bed from around age two to about age six. It's a large thing, filled with all of the fairy tales and their characters, displayed in a dreamy landscape. It was my escape when I was so little. Each night, I would be in my room with the door closed and I would just fall into the scene, wishing I could really be there and escape from my little bedroom prison which at times, was full of fear for me. I think my sense of going on adventures now is an outgrowth from wanting to just escape into those precious illusions.

Eventually, we moved and the poster did not find its way to my wall again. Thirty years went by. Then Christmas arrived and so did the old poster. However it had been rebuilt. My sister had taken the loving time to reconstruct a corner that had been torn off by using her artistic abilites to repaint it. She removed the ruined cardboard that had been its cheap frame and put the poster into an expensive museum quality frame with matting that would keep it secure for years to come. I almost cried to have the treasure back.

It meant more to rebuild something which had been long lost than for her to give me something new. I'm finding that life is like that in a lot of ways for me now. I have been under the impression that I'm creating new things here and now, but as I examine it, I'm really a master of rebuilding. The Segway Tour was called off, gone, over before it started. I gently and singlehandedly picked it up and began rebuilding it until now when it is only five weeks from the start. There's simply no feeling like taking something which was over and turning it around, bit by bit to see it revive and come back to life. There's nothing like taking broken hopes and dreams and empty promises and finding a way to rebuild it all into reality and an undefinable sense of happiness and accomplishment.

My dog treat business was sold off, done, over. For three years, I was rid of it and now...I'm rebuilding it into what it deserves to be. I'm giving it the chance it should have to flourish and be successful. Again, it's an incredible feeling that I know I wouldn't get from simply giving up and going off to do something new. I've learned a lot from rebuilding it. I looked at it long and hard. I used to buy the flour, do the baking in my loft, deliver to stores and operate a retail location at a dog park. I hired employees and I was constantly on the go, taking care of things that I really didn't want to be doing. What I have learned in rebuilding the business is that I took all the broken pieces lying on the floor in front of me. I looked at the good parts and the bad parts, the joy and the pain of it all. I picked up just the good parts and have left the rest to someone else. Someone else will do the baking, someone else will do the shipping, someone else will sell to the public. Meanwhile, I get the joy of simply seeing the treats on store shelves in a box that I created over the past year which I must say, is one of the better packages I've ever seen in life. Yes, I'm bragging a bit, but I deserve it on this one. I learned so much from all of this, that I can rebuild anything in life but it's important to rebuild just the good parts while leaving the bad stuff out.

Lastly, I've been rebuilding my life in general. I have spent almost two months looking at all the pieces before picking up the good ones and putting them back into place each day while I leave the bad ones out. I've learned that I had a self-defeating lack of confidence in myself which gave me the overall feeling that I didn't deserve anything good in life. Each day, I have been slowly coming to realize that by focusing on the good things, I am rebuilding a life worth living and a life deserving of success, happiness and love. I used to focus on mistakes I've made, but now I've learned that this really does nothing other than to hold me back. As I walked the dogs last night, I thought about all of the things about me that I like. I thought about how it's been a long time since I patted myself on the back for the good things I've done and figured I'd take a moment to rebuild by setting the good pieces down in writing here.

I smile...a lot. I cheer other people up, a lot. I rescued two wonderful dogs who deserved it. I bicycled across the country solo and achieved a fourteen year old dream by doing something not many have done. I skated for over fifteen years and competed nationally and internationally. I'm a great writer and getting better all the time and will soon have a published book. I built an advertising business after college while lying in bed recovering from back surgery. I built a dog treat business from scratch, let it go and have rebuilt it. I've made a difference in many others people's lives by inspiring them in many ways. I was successful at Amazon.com in my own way and received recognition at an all-hands meeting from Jeff Bezos as I set off for the next adventure. I have an incredible number of great friends and I think this says a lot about who I am in that I'm worthy enough for these wonderful people to be in my life. I've written great poetry. I've learned to sail and have shared the joy of sailing, especially in the Caribbean with friends who may have never done it otherwise. I've taught children how to skate and believe in themselves. I'm a good brother to my sister and her family. I'm there when people need me. I can fix anything that breaks. I'm creative. I've got an great body because I've taken the time to take good care of it. It doesn't really count because of my genes, but I've got a great head of hair. I enjoy life in a way that most people don't...by deeply appreciating all the beauty in it from sunrises to taking the time to enjoy watching children play in a fountain. I'm great with dogs and pretty good with cats. I'm good with plants and can get orchids to rebloom which isn't always easy. I am comfortable being me and do not have a need to put on an act for others. I cry when reading a good book if it deserves it. I know how to cook most anything and have a special touch in the kitchen. I took the time to teach a friend how to make a Thanksgiving dinner. I always give my all in anything I do. I don't give up. I willingly go out of my way to help a stranger in need. I believe I make the world a better place. I believe in God. I believe that true love conquers all in the long run.

Most of all, I believe in me because I have taken the time to rebuild when I needed it in order to be the best person I can be. Always take the risk and dare to rebuild something because I'm sure you will find as I have, that there is an incredible joy, an incredible sense of accomplishment in your heart and a peace of mind that comes with taking something broken or falling apart and putting it back together as it should be, using the good parts only.

Pampered

Last night, I decided to reward myself for all of the good things and great progress I've made over the last month and a half in life. I've come so far in so many ways that I felt it was time for a little "pampering for Scott," so to speak. I think that here and there, it's good to just have a night to yourself and take some time to relax. I didn't get a lot of sleep over the weekend as I was consoling a friend needing to escape to a more comfortable place at 3 a.m. of all hours. We talked until dawn on Sunday morning before she fell asleep still in her coat and hat, exhausted and slightly hung over. I slept for an hour but was so excited about going through more things for my sale that I got up and retreated to my office to work. I guess the staying up all night screwed up my schedule for Sunday and Monday night as well. So last night, I was dead tired and decided to do something I've never done - give myself a "spa" treatment of sorts.

Perhaps it's because there has been so much in the media about being "metero-sexual" but I figured perhaps I was due. I took the dogs for a long walk and then moseyed to Eliza's to pick up some take out comfort food from my favorite Chinese place nearby. I came home and fed the pooches, sharing the contents of my little treasured white box with a wire handle. I popped in "Amelie" which is one of my favorite movies in that it's the story of a girl who makes others lives better before daring to risk love in order to find her own happiness. I fantasized about somehow doing the same sort of thing she does, returning old keepsakes long lost, healing the broken heart of a woman who had lost her husband and had been grieving for years, etc. I recalled how I used to randomly give a rose every Sunday after 9-11 to an unsuspecting little old lady on the street. I'm looking forward to getting back to random acts of kindness soon in order to make the world a better place.

My opportunity arrived, shortly after the movie, to do some good in life. As I was filling the sparkling white tub with hot water, Aveda bath salts and refreshingly oily scented bubbles, the phone rang. It was an old friend who is going through difficult times in her marriage and needed a kind, unjudging ear to listen. I was that ear for an hour. I truly believe that you help yourself when you help others and considering I had already been doing the same sort of listening over the entire weekend, I was well-practiced in what to say.

I put a Beethoven CD into the small stereo and put some "cuticle remover" on my fingers and toes. I'm not sure what the stuff is, but since I seem to get hangnails, the local Pure Beauty store sales girl recommended it along with a small tool to remove the dead, unneeded skin from my nails. It's weird, but the stuff is magic. My cuticles came out incredibly clean in an instant and I marveled at the things that most women know about for caring for themselves which men just overlook because we're well..."men."

With refreshed fingers and toes, I climbed into the steaming bath. I tried remember my last bath, but couldn't recall the year of the fuzzy memory, just the feeling of it all. It came gently back to me as my muscles warmed in the hot water and my skin began to absorb the oily gel I had poured in. It felt good to just shut my eyes and relax as timeless classical music soothed my ears. I vowed that I would do this again and very soon but next time I would light a candle or two rather than be subjected to the bright light overhead which seemed at odds with the moment. I am too big for the tub in that I can't fully stay submerged as my knees stick out all too high when I slide my shoulders under the surface. I want my next place to have a tub that will contain me if possible.

I spent a good forty minutes just soaking and falling away into peaceful bliss. Eventually, the water cooled to where I needed to exit. My muscles trickled with gentle trails exuding the warm scent of rosemary as I dried off before making a cup of tea to finish the ritual. I fell asleep around 11 after a quick dog walk. I dreamed of a long ago sailing trip in the Caribbean, with days full of snorkeling and nights spent sipping rum painkillers under a sky bursting with the constellations. I was pulled out of the dream by the phone ringing at 1 a.m.

It was my weekend friend calling to tell me about her date of the evening and asking if I could spend some more time listening to her later in the week as she's going through a rough time in life. I was groggily there for her in a moment of need and promised to be more awake when we hang out in a couple of days. I fell back asleep, finding it comforting that I am once again exuding a strengthful and inspiring energy that has the ability to lift and cheer others going through difficult times. I found it comforting to feel strong and inspiring to my own self, confident in the direction I'm going and proud of who I am while believing in myself and all the good that I am capable of lending to the world while I am here.

I awoke at 5 to wet noses and AxL's panting, signaling the start of yet another day in which I can make a difference in the world...in my own life as well as in the lives of others needing a kind hearted lift. I climbed out of bed, drank two glasses of water and did some sit-ups and pushups before installing leashes on the excited canines. We meandered out of the house and AxL took nearly thirty minutes to get to "my coffee shop" which is normally a five minute walk. I thought about how five or six people commented last night at the park on how he walks as if he's in a lot of pain. We spent a good hour at the park this morning and he constantly followed me as I frustratingly threw the tennis ball for the ever-bouncy Venus. She seems to think that the game of fetch involves bringing the ball back only half-way. I succumed to her youthful charm by making the walk to the ball each time as AxL followed along and I petted him while she went zipping off after the slimy orb, time and again.

We eventually returned home, again slowly moving along to keep pace with AxL's glacial speed. Both dogs had extremely muddy feet and once inside our door, I held them at bay, retrieved a towel and dried off a dripping Venus. As I began to dry AxL, he let out a yelp when I touched his ribs gently. Yes, he's in pain alright. He let out another yelp as he slowly lowered himself to the floor for me to tackle his blackened furry feet. I told him that it's okay for him to be tired and that he can move on when he's ready. I told him that he's been a good friend and that I'll be fine without him because he'll always be in my heart for the rest of my life.

It's hard to let go of unconditional love but we all pass on in life. He's taught me well and I've learned well and that's what counts. He is the one creature who stood by me in my best of times and worst of times. He is the one thing which has never abandoned me or judged me, but merely accepted who I was. He's still with me now, but I know that his time is coming and I've fully accepted it before it has happened. Everyone I have ever loved in life has somehow left, in their own way and I know he will too. The important thing is to carry the good and loving times forward in my heart as I continue building a life worth living.

I spent about thirty minutes massaging his legs and back while continuing to talk to him. I talked to him about the love he has always shown me and how rare it is. His eyes seemed to reassure me that someday, it will come into my life again from someone as special as he is and until that day, the best thing I can do is continue shining in just being who I am while chasing my dreams. His eyes seemed to say "patience, forgiveness, trust...and most of all, love doesn't die, it might be confusing at times, but true love always finds a way, it always surfaces in the long run."

I love these days of peace, strength, achievement and the incredibly unconditional and all accepting love of my best friend. Nothing, simply nothing could be better in this moment. Time to make some tea...

More Progress

So, I spent 7 hours on Saturday night going through about 12 more boxes of old photos, scrapbook stuff and miscellaneous items. I was able to gather up another good pile of things to sell on Sunday in a moving sale and ended up even selling my electric guitar despite actually kind of being torn about it. It's a good feeling to be rid of so much junk in a way and at the end of the weekend, I had made over $400 which is also a good feeling to have some cash in hand.

I spent yesterday working on redoing my book proposal one more time which I'll continue to do today in order to trim it down just to the essence of the story without unneeded details. I'm finding that in writing, it's a balance between telling the story and overtelling the story. I'll be sending it off to my editor once it's short and to the point.

I also spent part of yesterday working on corporate business stuff which I find to be tedious but necessary. Overall, life is always moving forward, always getting better as I continue to stick to my dreams and chase them with everything I have.

I got an email this morning that the AxL Snaks dog treats Beer Biskits artwork is finally done and I should get to see the final proof later today or early tomorrow. It's been a huge lesson in patience, but the final product will soon arrive on store shelves. If there's one thing I can say here it's that I have a certain sense of self-pride in that I have created something entirely on my own which will bring me an income soon. It's a great feeling which goes far beyond earning a paycheck by working for someone else. It's going to be an incredible feeling to ship out the first order and then receive that first check, hopefully in the next few weeks.

In the meantime, AxL the dog is sadly and slowly winding down to what I feel are his last days. Yesterday, on the way home from our morning walk, his back legs quit working in our apartment lobby and I had to hold him up to get him in the elevator and into the apartment. This morning, during our 5 a.m. walk, I couldn't help but notice how slow he has become and how he seems affected by the stroke (or two) that he has had this year. He is "droopy" all down in his left side, he walks with a slight tilt to his head and he limps on his left front and rear legs to a large degree at times. I've shortened up his walks after yesterday's long one, hoping that it will help him not "tire out" so much.

I truly love this dog and his angel-like heart. He has been one of the greatest gifts in my life. It's funny how just picking up a dog in a truck stop twelve years ago changed my life so much for the better. I love the fact that dogs cannot lie. They just are as they truly are and truly feel: happy, sad, tired, energetic, grouchy and most of all, loving. Over the past month and a half, I've been making efforts to just be the same: authentic in every way. I'm just being me, truthful, honest, full of integrity. Last night as we were walking through our neighborhood, I felt a serene, overwhelming sense of peace about myself and about my life. I've learned that no matter what curve balls life throws me now, I'm strong and calm at the same time knowing that I've nothing to hide or worry about or fear. I'm just happy being me and peaceful in the fact that when I live in this manner, no one can take it away from me. My actions will always speak louder than any words and there simply is not a way for anything to break that down. I feel like I am shining after what has been a difficult time in life over the summer. I also find that it is so easy to live this way. It reminds me of a quote by Katherine Hepburn which I think goes like this:

"The tabloids can print anything they want about my life as long as it's not true."

That said, my phone just rang. It was my friend Kip telling me that a local dog product exporter is ready to order my dog treats as soon as they are available. I hung up the phone and it rang again. It was a Segway being delivered to me from the sponsor for the upcoming cross-country tour. About ten minutes later, my phone rang again. It was my friend Christophe and he had spoken to one of his contacts at The Jay Leno Show.

I guess all this just proves my point beyond any words...that dreams will come your way if you stick to them and keep trying.

I love my life...because it really couldn't be any better right now. I'm happy in just doing and being who and what I am doing in this moment. I've been through the worst of my days and know I will soon see the best of my days to come.