Facing Rejection
After many months and weeks of procrastinating, hemming and a little hawing, I'm finally getting down to the point on my book proposal to where it's bound to be sent in. In other words, it's almost done and I have a feeling that when I finish, it will send itself in rather than be subject to more of my incessant revisions.
110% of my procrastinating is simply the fear of rejection. However, without facing it, I'll never taste success. And to be honest, without sending it in, I'm already being reject by me so what difference does it make if someone else does the rejecting? Not to mention, there's always the slim chance that it could get accepted.
I've been pondering over rejection a lot lately...from book proposals to relationships and everything in between. It seems that rejection is relentlessly everywhere if you look for it. I said "Good Morning!" to an old man walking down the street with his dog this morning. He simply looked at me, grunted and walked on. Yea, more rejection. It seems you can't even spread a bit of good cheer these days.
And so I waffle between putting up brick walls around my ego and staying positive and outgoing. It would be so much easier to just keep withdrawing, pulling back inside a turtle shell and growing thick skin. I could keep from getting bruised and kicked this way but I guess I've always been one who's a bit happier out in the fray of life despite the knocks I take.
I think the biggest thing about having my book proposal rejected is that it would crush the daydream world I've got in my head that I can somehow be an adventurer/author someday. The longer I hold out and don't send the proposal, the longer the dream can dance in front of me. If I were to get a real rejection, that dream might shatter altogether and then I'm left with not much of anything to wake up for each day besides walking the dogs.
I find it funny how my attitude screams up and down day to day like a yo-yo whipping on a tight string. One minute I think I can do this, I'm in control, I can make the life I want to have...the next minute I'm telling myself that I'm just dreaming and that reality is I'll have to just take some regular job and work at a desk complete with a glass ceiling until I can somehow retire many years down the road with a deflated spirit that would only be capable of watching TV reruns and where a big night out would be dinner for one at Denny's counter in some generic suburban setting. I'll be served chicken fried steak that isn't really chicken or steak by a waitress named, Millie who has bubble-gum pink earrings, a fake southern accent, a massive beehive hairdo and blue eye shadow as thick as paint on an iimpressionist's pallet...
Eventually, I'd die and the few people who knew me would find out about via a friend of a friend of a friend in one of those carbon copied Christmas letters that are usually on green paper to make them more festive.
Yep, this is the kind of stuff that can go through your head as you day dream about being rejected.
So how do I battle it? I don't really know other than trying to put it into perspective. It's not like I'm one of the soldiers doing battle in Iraq right now where my life is literally on the line every second of the day and you don't know when your number is up. It's only a book proposal. And Lord knows even the best authors were rejected from several places before their best seller was a hit. It ain't the end of the world.
However if I don't stop blathering here, it will never be the start of my world, either. With that, it's time to suck it up, finish off the last couple of pages and details and send it off. At least there's a guarantee of one more journal entry no matter what the outcome is...and if nothing else, I like to day dream that I'm at least entertaining someone out there by letting them get an inside look at your average guy wanting to be something other than a desk jockey...