Little Fish, Big River, Bigger City

Cha-Ching ($$$!!!)

So, the rain stopped and the sun came out around 1 p.m. today and I loaded up every last bit of crap I had sorted through in the apartment and hauled it to our sidewalk outside to begin my moving sale. I put the first big box of old VHS tapes in front of the lobby door to hold it open while walked back inside to carry the rest of the stuff out. As I returned with my first armload, a man and his little daughter were already picking through it.

I made $8 in the first three minutes. I think that had to be a record of some sort. The day kept getting better from there as bit by bit and dollar by dollar almost all of my unneeded possessions went to happy homes as cash found my happy pocket. At 5 p.m., I wrapped up and brought four small crates of unsold items back inside as "$190-friggin'-5" dollars rode along with my keys and cell phone. I am so rich!!!!! (and still so good looking, as my grandmother used to say...)

Wow. I knew that getting rid of unneeded stuff was going to feel good, but I feared that getting a late start would only net me about $40 for the day. Around 4, I treated myself by ordering up some chinese food delivered since I had barely eaten. Then I really cut loose and celebrated with a mocha to cap it off once I had brought everything back inside.

It's an incredible, light and unencumbered feeling to walk inside the apartment and my office which used to be laden with box after box of crap I wanted to unload. It's weirdly nice to see carpet again and even nicer to know that so much is now gone. I took a short break to walk the dogs and play a little "hall-ball" with Venus aka The PEANUT!!!!

I extended my break to put down my utter elation into words here. What can I say except that by letting go of so much of the past, I was rewarded so heavily and unexpectedly with sweet, green moolah. So, as I usually ask myself after achieving a small victory such as this..."what next?"

I'll tell you what next...

I'm headed down to the storage unit to see if I can drag out any more unneeded items and add them to the tiny pile of things left to get rid of. Tomorrow, I'm hoping for a bit more non-rain weather to the degree that I can give it one more shot before hauling the left-overs to Goodwill in a final wrap up of the "2003 Great Clean Out Project" or G-COP for short. Hey, I gotta keep it fun somehow and giving something a codename always makes for more fun, I say.

Lightly yours, (and I'm not talking about my loafers, mind you...)

Scott aka "Zenboy"

On The Rebound

So, today is Saturday and I woke up to wet dog noses and light rain on the windows. For the last couple of weeks, I've wanted to have a "moving sale" as I continue on my quest to "unclutter" my life from physical as well as mental anchors that have held me back. It's a good feeling to let go of things I don't need from radio control cars to skateboards to lava lamps to a bruised ego. In a few minutes, I will drag loads of unneeded items downstairs and begin to sell and give them away as I free up my life to make room for a brighter future.

Overall, it's been a really productive week for Scott in general. I was finally able to get back into the gym after a three week hiatus. I made great progress in other areas, too. On Thursday, I went to the contract bakery which will soon produce the first thousand boxes of AxL Snaks Beer Biskits. It turned out to be a day of dogged determination, pardon the pun.

I rented a car since mine was totaled a month and a half ago. I drove an hour over to the east bay and the large bakery where trucks were filling up with cheesecakes and rum cakes and chocolate chip cookies. As I met with the president, he informed me that they couldn't help me out and I'd have to come back in about two weeks.

I didn't take "no" for an answer. I told him that I had to do this today because it's been dragging on far too long and it needed to get done. Oddly, he changed his mind, introduced me to Jaime (Hi-may for you non-spanish types). I was put into "the lab" which was a small room with a scale, a mixer and a bunch of ingredients. They had failed to order the ingredients I needed so I climbed back into the rental car and hit Albertson's to pick up about $42 worth of goods. I drove back and began mixing. This meeting was supposed to be about me watching them mix and bake and approving it all, but it turned out to be the opposite. I mixed the dough and then we took it out to another "lab" in the main floor for baking. I sat and chatted with a couple of the sales guys in the office for forty minutes and then went to check on how the treats turned out. The dough was still just sitting on the table. "Sh_t!" so, I picked it up, got a pan from an employee and started making little biskits in different sizes to test out how they would bake up. We put the pan in an oven and set it for twenty minutes. I went and got a BK chicken caesar sandwich and a Dr. Pepper and returned to a pan of dark brown, fairly burned treats, but they were the right size, etc.

After more than four hours which should have only been an hour, the president was satisfied that they could bake the treats up right and the dough would work with their cutting machine. Next came the boxes which after nearly two months are still not printed despite my credit card being charged for printing. One of the sales guys got on the phone and left a nasty message to the package people they had put me in touch with for printing. I spent thirty minutes on the phone in a nice but firm manner until they put me in direct contact with their artist who had been screwing around on the package for three weeks. I got a call back as I was driving home on the freeway so I pulled off at the next exit and spent an hour going over all the edits which had failed to make the proof.

On Friday morning, I got the call from the artist at home that all the edits were now done and a new proof is arriving via Fedex on Monday. Finally! I have been trying to get to this point since July and here it was, November 14 and I was where I needed to be. From here, I sign off on the final proof, printing takes five to seven business days and the first ten thousand printed Beer Biskit boxes bearing AxL's sweet mug will be delivered to the bakery. From there, the bakery will spend a couple of hours baking and filling the first thousand boxes of which 500 are already pre-sold. I feel like I've been waiting a year for this moment and it's going to happen despite several setbacks. I still need to register my trademark and take care of a couple of corporation type business licenses and permits, but I'm nearly to the point where Beer Biskits will be on store shelves in a matter of days. You can get to where you want to be if you stick to something and stay determined.

On Friday morning, I sat down and vowed to not stop working on my book proposal until it was done. I finished at 11:30 a.m. It was far less painful than I had imagined it would be to finish. I have spent the last two weeks working on what felt to be impossibly difficult edits. Then, after seeing the movie "Sylvia" about the poet, Sylvia Plath, I decided it was time for Scott to write. I plowed through and the edits and the story flowed easily as I kept focusing on the words of my editor: "Scott, mark my words...you are creating your own greatness here."

I'm finding that to be the essence of life this week...creating your own greatness. I believe that in staying true to your dreams and chasing that which makes you truly happy, you create your own greatness, in your own way. I've discovered over the past month that what has truly held me back is an attitude that I knew what I've wanted, but have been afraid to dare to go after it wholeheartedly out of fear of failure. Holding back by not trying is failure. It's odd, but in daring to just keep on a personal goal and remaining determined through to its finish creates the most incredible feeling of accomplishment inside. I finally feel as if I'm creating my own destiny rather than being swept along by life's changing tides in a mere existence of chasing a dollar to keep a roof over my head. I am now building my own income from my own ideas and persistence and nothing, simply nothing has felt so good in terms of personal achievement in my lifetime. I feel as if I'm finally becoming me, through and through, by daring to stick to my dreams and see them through.

In a final round of good news, the Segway cross-country tour is now a definite go. I met with a new sponsor on Tuesday and got an email Thursday morning that it is 110%. I will soon be on my way across the United States, opening a million doors as I embark on the biggest adventure in my life so far. It feels amazing as I look back at how many times I wanted to give up on this dream, but for some reason, I just stuck to it and sure enough, here it is...becoming a reality. I have learned that I can have and can do and can get anything I wish for in life if I stay true to myself and remain determined despite any setbacks life throws my way. Persistence is rewarded in due time.

I also learned that I'll be doing some work over the next month on the tour by traveling to Texas, New York and L.A. in preparation. It appears that I'll be making an income as I do so which is also an incredible feeling. About a month ago, I set out three goals for myself...two in the shorter term and one in the longer term...in different areas of my life. I am now two out of three, or very nearly so. Beer Biskits are on their way soon to store shelves. The Segway Tour and book plus two other resulting opportunities (can you say Hollywood?) are beginning to fall into place.

It has taken some time. It has taken a bit of pain and it has taken some deep reflection into who I want to be and what I want to achieve, but it is happening. It's funny that there are two ways in which life can go. We can simply "talk" about our dreams but never really go after them. That's the path of unhappiness and failure...drudgery in a job and life that is not true to our hearts. The other path is the path of daring to take the steps to make the dreams come true...and then sticking to it when the going gets rough. That is the path I chose and the path that is unfolding in ways I never dreamed.

My third wish is still a long way off and I still won't mention it here since I am just focusing on the two things at hand. Once those are in place, I will begin to go after my third and biggest dream which I know can be mine if I simply believe and stay true to that dream. All things are possible in life. You can have everything you dream and wish for if you believe in yourself and dare to go after them, come what may.

I have always felt like a failure. I have always felt underserving of anything good in life...happiness, financial and personal success, love...but now I'm realizing it's because I wasn't deserving of any of the above until now, until I dared to believe that I did deserve them. I finally believe that I am a strong, good person, deserving of having everything I wish for in life. Things don't happen as we hope, they happen as we create them. Hoping and wishing is not enough. It takes "doing and being" on our part. You can't wish for success, you have to do what it takes to be successful. You can't wish for love, you have to do what it takes to be loved and it starts with loving yourself.

Yea, it's kind of a corny concept, but I think self-love can be the greatest thing anyone can do for themselves. In looking back at my entire life, I have found that I continually focused on what I had done wrong in the past, rather than what I could do right in the future. In discovering this, I have now been focusing and doing the right things in the right way in order to be the person I can be. I'm finding that in doing so, I'm beginning to learn to love myself for the first time as a person who is deserving of happiness, success and love from others.

I've sort of lost the point I was trying to make in all of this other than to say, if you have a dream, stay focused on it. Don't let other things in life pull your attention away. I think it's sometimes easy to get distracted from being the best "you" that you can be if we start thinking about only pleasing others. Start with pleasing yourself and then you'll have a firm base and be in a place where you can begin to share your life with someone else if you choose to.

I recall having a girlfriend, long ago. We had started as just friends but eventually, we stepped over the line which we should not have toward trying to love each other. She had a dream and I had mine. She wanted to be a model and I wanted to go back to skating and shoot for the Olympic team one more time. It turned out that I made the mistake of giving up on my own dreams to help her pursue hers. She loved me and begged me to stay with her and love her back. I did, but in doing so, I lost myself. And then we lost each other soon after. Neither one of us ever achieved our dreams and our love was only a life-raft filled with holes from losing those dreams. It soon sank and so did the initial, incredible friendship we had shared. In crossing a line out of convenience to try for short term happiness, we lost our long term dreams and friendship. In retrospect, I knew better, but gave it a try only to find out that this sort of thing simply doesn't work out. Friendship is friendship and it's a much different kind of love than the heartfelt, passionate kind. I learned that if you don't love someone with an incredible passion right off the bat, that you never will, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much they love you. You simply cannot "try" to love someone and you simply cannot "grow" to love someone. It's either there from the start or it's not. It's that simple. I also learned that you should never give up your dreams to be with someone else, no matter how enticingly comfortable and happy it might seem in the moment, it only leads to long term regret and self-emptiness.

I learned an important lesson which I'll share here. Be careful in loving someone just because they love you and want you to love them back. If you have a dream, you should chase it because until you do, you aren't living true to yourself, you would only be loving the other person because they loved you. That will only lead to you not having your dream, not loving yourself for sticking to it and in time, you'll find that the love you gave to the other person really wasn't love, but a simple distraction to feel good in the short term to hide from the fear of chasing your own dream. Be the best you that you can be by daring to chase your dream, let no one pull you from your path and once you go after that dream and achieve it, then and ONLY then will you find that you are complete in who you are. Then and only then will you be fully capable of loving someone else for who they are. Build your own foundation, be the best you that only you can be, then give love to the person that has done the same for themselves. Never take the easy path, never take the path that others say is right for you. Take your own path, create your own greatness. Don't give convenient love to someone simply because they love you. It's only a form of distraction and an excuse to let go of your dreams before you get there. Give true love after chasing your dream and completing yourself first for you cannot truly love yourself or someone else until you find your own happiness in your own way.

It might mean being alone for a time, but I believe we all need time to ourselves without the distraction of others in order to chase our dreams. Without that, we are never truly happy nor can we truly love. Don't use the love that someone else may have for you as a way to feel better about yourself in the short term. Over time, you will only end up with an emptiness inside which comes from not chasing your own dream and being who you are capable of being. Stay true to yourself, stay true to your dreams, go, do, be.

With that, it's time to have a moving sale because yes, I'm moving...finally...in the right direction: toward my dreams.

Releasing The Past To Reach The Future

I just spent the last seven hours or so going through about eleven boxes of "memories" from my entire life. I went through a "baby book" my parents kept about me in the early days. My dad's printing is near perfect as he recorded things I like to eat, my first steps, my first words, things I laughed at...

I continued on through my vaccination records, my kindergarten progress reports, "plays well with others" etc. I went on through gradeschool pictures and papers and worked my way into fifteen years spent figure skating with Olympic Dreams I never realized, but will never regret shooting for. I went through high school report cards, letters from friends from all over the world and a few pieces of random fan mail I received when I was a national skating competitor. I went on through to college and the few papers I still kept. I looked at every photo in my possession starting with my grandmother's childhood up until the present day...

Then, I began to toss things. By the end of the night, I had reduced eleven large boxes to one medium and one small box. It was a little difficult to toss things I had hung onto for so long, but once I got started, it became easier and easier. I found I didn't need thirty photos of the same birthday party, just one or two. I threw away report cards and old letters that have done nothing but sit in a box for the last 25 years. I kept making trips to the garbage chute and recycle bins throughout the night.

The most difficult things to go through were pictures of my family when I was young. I have recently discovered that I went through some pain back then which has affected my life in many negative ways up until now when I've been able to uncover it and come to terms with it face to face. One thing that LoLo once commented on was that I never had pictures of my parents up anywhere in my life. I also know that I have never visited their graves since the day they were buried back in September of 1971. The day after I hit rock bottom about two months ago, I discovered that my childhood had some unmentionable moments that have scarred me inside. Luckily, one can heal from the past by accepting, forgiving and letting go of it. I realize that now after doing nothing but hiding from it and carrying it with me deep inside like some evil shadow in my soul. Bringing it to the light has removed the shadow and I realize it's time to forgive and let go of the pain.

I took a moment to rent a car for the upcoming Thanksgiving weekend to drive to Seattle and see my sister and friends before I leave on my next adventure. When I take that trip, I'm going to take the hugely brave step of visiting my parents graves. When I'm there, I will take the time to forgive my dad and tell him I understand that he loved me despite it all. I'm going to tell my mom thank you for working so hard as a waitress to help us make ends meet in our tiny, white trash house. I'm going to thank both of them for bringing me into this world.

I spent a lot of years growing up wondering why God took my parents away from me at such an early age. It took me thirty two years to discover that it was very possibly to protect me and my sister from possible harm. I still wonder why God let me carry this subconscious pain with me for so long, only to discover it now. Perhaps the answer will reveal itself soon...however I know that for this man, although I wish I had come to terms with that which has bothered me most of my life now..."now" is much better than "never."

Perhaps I just needed to go through the pain this long in order to appreciate how sweet life can be from here on out. It's been pretty good so far, but there are some moments which I know came from what I suffered that I wish with all of my heart I can reverse but never will be able to. I guess the lesson is in moving forward despite the past, despite shortcomings and despite childhood pain and fears. Perhaps everything that happened is what has given me such a good soul in so many ways. I have always felt a deep desire to make a difference for the better and perhaps I would not have this within me if I had not suffered to the degree that I did at times. I think that throughout history, sometimes those who have suffered most, create the greatest good as they rise up from it. I don't know that I will change the world in any far-reaching manner, but I do know that I will change the world around me for the better, for whatever that is worth.

For most of my life, I have felt afraid to love out of fear of the pain I associated with love. I so wish that this fear had not existed in me, but for what it is worth, I know it is now gone and for the first time, I feel "different" in my ability to love going forward. I feel the ability to love because I have begun to love myself first. In time, I pray that some incredible person will give me the opportunity to love them as well. However, I do know that I need a few months alone to rebuild my heart with compassion for myself before I'll be able to give and receive from the standpoint of feeling deserving of good things. Healing is not overnight and Rome wasn't built in a day. But healing, growing and self-acceptance do occur in time and yes, Rome did get built eventually.

As I come to a close, I know that I am very far along in the right direction as a certain "world's cutest dog" who I have loved perfectly pants with loving eyes next to me now. It's time for a walk and some "dog love." For now, it's what I've got and it's more than enough in its simplicty and undonditional nature. As I walk in the cool night air, I will smile knowing there will come a day when I will give and receive the same unconditional love with someone else, who will surely be to women, what AxL is to dogs - the most special one ever.

I release my past in order to make room for my future for one cannot reach new shores if they are afraid to untie from the dock. A ship in harbor is safe, but that's not what ships were meant for.

One More Try

Recently, I was about ready to give up hope on a dream. A friend told me to "give it one more try." I did. It made all the difference.

I think that sometimes we fail not out of what we've done, but out of what we have failed to do. The biggest failure is not being brave enough and strong enough to give something another chance. I have been trying to be the first person to cross the country on a Segway for most of the summer. I felt I had done all I could and it was time to give up.

I gave it one more try. I made one phone call and everything turned around, simply and easily. I'm still in a bit of disbelief that something which was over with, something that was a dream which was done...is now a reality. I am going to be the first person to cross America on a Segway. All it took was believing in me just the slightest amount and believing that not giving up on something was not the answer. I believed that giving something just one last try was worth it and it was.

I've found in life that it's been hard to discern the difference between when to give up and let go and when to not give up and hold on. It's difficult because at certain moments, things can feel over and done and not worth trying for. But it turns out that in those moments, walking away is weakness where giving it one more try is strength. When you're faced with giving up on something, especially something you've spent a lot of time building and trying for, you should not give up. You should give it one more try.

Why? Because that one last try is very likely going to make all the difference in your life. You won't be able to see it in the moment you're in it, but over time, it will all become clear. One more try at something, even if you think it's going to do nothing, will very likely do something you do not expect. It can be the difference between success and failure.

In my case, it became the difference between realizing a dream and spending the rest of my life wishing I had figured out a way. I looked back at everything I had done in life up to this point, every failure, every near-success and every small achievement. I looked at how I want to be. Do I want to be one who walks away when things get a little rough? Or do I want to be a person with integrity, determination and strength and give things that deserve it another chance?

I decided I did not want to walk away in weakness and look for something else. I decided that I, myself was worth one more try, that I was worth believing in. I found as a result, I am worth believing in. I thought about how I have been learning to trust in me and that had I walked away, I would start a pattern of simply walking away from anything the minute it wasn't easy. An old friend once said, "This won't be easy, but the worthwhile things in life are never easy, that's what makes them valuable." I believe that with all my heart. The worthwhile things are not always easy.

In fact, it makes perfect sense in a way. If something were easy, would it be worthwhile? In life, doesn't it seem that the things we have tried the hardest for and succeeded in, aren't those the things that make us stronger and better and happier? Would the Superbowl be such a sweet victory if anyone could simply put on a pair of cleats, walk onto a field and win it? No. It's a sweet victory because the people who win it have to fight and work and struggle and continue fighting until they do win. It's what we go through and fight for when we want to give up and walk away that make something worth the effort.

It would have been so easy for me to just walk away earlier this year. It would have been so easy to just give up in weakness and go do something else that would have been easier. But in doing so, I would've lost the essence of life, I would have lost my integrity to myself and my trust in myself as a person capable of doing something with his life. Instead, by not giving up, I grew in my strength, I solidified my integrity and built more trust in myself for going forward.

It may seem an unlikely statement from me, but I have spent a lot of years of my life not believing and not trusting, by just giving up when things became difficult. I did what was easy in the moment instead of what would be rewarding in the future. I have since learned that giving something I believe in one more try is always the right choice to make. I look back at failed business, failed ventures, failed relationships and see a past pattern of giving up too early. I have turned things around by beginning to believe, by trying one more time and by trusting that life will work out the way it should.

Life is working out the way it should now. I have many more days ahead and I know they won't always be easy, but they will be worthwhile if I refuse to give up when things go sour.

If nothing else ever comes out of my writing, I would hope that anyone reading this does just one thing: give something in your life another try. It might be sending out another resume, it could be starting a business you have failed to start because you gave up too early, it could be a relationship with someone you loved that you both walked away from when things got difficult.

Give something one more try. Try from the perspective of the fact that things change, situations change, times change and most of all, people change. Yesterday I met with the president of Segway HT America. He never planned on owning the business, he was merely bidding on the first Segway available to the public during an internet auction last year. He had set his goal on not paying more than $120,000. He went past his own limits and kept bidding. He eventually reached $160,000 and gave up. He sat there and he doesn't know why, but something inside of him entered one more bid at $160,100. He gave it one more try, far beyond his limits and where he wanted to stop. Something inside of him told him to give it one more try and he did and now he owns a booming business that is growing day by day and enriching people's lives all around him. It wouldn't have happened unless he tried that one last time.

I have known many couples on the brink of separation or divorce. Many of them gave up and still lead somewhat bitter lives in retrospect. The others, gave it one more try and are happier now than they have ever been because out of their difficulties, came their greatest understanding and strength. I have known people who wanted to simply give up in life but picked themselves up and gave something another shot, they too are happier than they have ever been.

I read a good quote today:

"Never does the human soul appear so strong and noble as when it forgoes revenge and dares to forgive injury" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

Dare to forgive your own injury to yourself as well as the injuries you've suffered from others. Dare to give something one more try out of strength rather than give up.

Know that you will not be alone in your efforts as I will be continuing on a path somewhere nearby doing the same as I pursue the dreams of my heart.

You can do anything, you can be anything, you can have all the happiness and love you desire in life if you refuse to give up and merely give something one more try.

"Try - Succeed." That is the formula. Never in life has it been "give up - succeed."

Trust me as I trusted my friend who said "give it one more try"...if for no other reason, trust me because I now have learned to trust myself and life knowing that not giving up will make every difference for going forward.

Giving, Lesson 2

Yesterday, I woke up at 3:45 a.m. to get ready and fly to Houston, Texas for putting together some details for my upcoming cross-country Segway Tour. At 4:30, the phone rang when my taxi arrived downstairs. I climbed in, tired and half-awake to the happy face and greeting of Domingo, a Lorne Greene/Ricardo Montalban character of unsurpassed joy, especially at that hour of the day. As we began to drive, I soon realized that I was likely in touch with another "angel" of sorts like Mark and his tennis ball on Monday.

It began with me craving some sort of coffee or food and Domingo read my mind by asking if I wanted to stop for a coffee because we had plenty of time. We stopped at The Royal Ground on Bush, another location owned by the same folks who own my coffee shop on Fillmore. Domingo waited, not wanting anything but I got my ritual mocha and treated myself to a large, sweet cinnamon roll that hit the spot. Once we were underway, Domingo's cell phone rang as his "regulars" started checking in for the day. He's been driving one guy, almost every day to kidney dialysis. On this day, that man would need to take another cab, but Domingo said that sometimes happens.

As we drove along, we began to talk about life, giving and doing good in the world. The conversation arrived there naturally from the conversation about the dialysis patient. I shared my story about Mark and the tennis ball and Domingo gave me one of his own from his 20+ years of driving a taxi.

About five years ago, he began noticing a homeless man on a park bench along his early morning route. One day, he decided to stop as the man's faced looked familiar to him. Sure enough, it was "Bill" a Vietnam Vet who had been a sergeant to Domingo during the war. He was once a great man, full of potential, with a college degree, brave and inspiring...Domingo said, "Bill, is that you? What happened?"

"Hey Domingo, I gave up on life..." Bill replied.

It must have been like a scene from a movie. Domingo decided to pick him up and take him back to his apartment for a shower and food. It turns out that Bill's wife had left him and his son had disowned him as Bill struggled with what must have been past demons in his head from the atrocities he saw during the war. Bill gave up, turned to drugs and lost everything. As he came out of the shower, he looked like a new man, shaven and clean for the first time in five months. Domingo decided to get his old friend and leader back on his feet. He spent the next three weeks at Domingo's apartment as he looked for a job and started putting his life back together with Domingo's friendship and generous support along the way. Domingo suffered as a result since his live-in girlfriend left him. Domingo didn't care, it was a war buddy who needed help and if she couldn't see past that, she wasn't worth hanging onto.

Today, Bill has a great job and is getting remarried soon. He stays in touch with Domingo constantly in that Domingo saved the man's life from a miserable end. Bill's one wish is to someday find his son and get in touch again. He's not found him yet, but someday soon, he believes he will.

I lauded Domingo for saving someone's life, literally. He simply said, "Yea, we have to look out for each other in this world and sometimes someone gives up and they just need a little help to get back on their feet." It was an enormous understatment considering everything he had done for Bill.

I thought about my own friends and what they have done for me whenever I was a bit down and out. I thought about how it's important not to "give up" because it can take you too close to an early end. I thought about how some simple giving, some kind words and a bit of love can make all the difference. I wondered about times I have helped others and if it made a difference in their lives before they got to a point like Bill or not. I hoped that I had done some good and I knew that others had made huge differences in my life, too. I silently thanked God for my friends, for the people who stuck by me even in my worst of times. I thought about the friends who believed in me when I didn't and as a result, I have kept going when I didn't want to. I pictured how easy it would have been to "give up" and resort to a park bench at times but because of incredible friends, I was spared that fate.

Lastly, I resolved to always be kind and caring and giving back to my friends in any way that I could, knowing how they have made such an incredible difference in my life. People go through rough times here and there, ups and downs and that's when it's the most important thing you can do to be there and help pull them through. Why? Because you never know when it might be you needing the same in return. We all need to stick by each other and pull each other through. No one's life is perfect, but we can be perfect in our friendship if we take the time to care and love one another, even when it's hard or inconvenient for us to do so. We may not ever get the chance to do something so extreme as Domingo has, but even our everyday words and kindness, caring and love can make a difference to the friends in our lives. Stick by the people who have been there for you in your worst of times, stick by them in their worst of times.

Give when it's not easy or when you don't want to because you just might find that you will need the same. Thank the people who were there for you when you needed them. Take a minute to think about some of the tough times that others have helped you through and think about the times you have been there for others. In these days of terrorism, take a stand against the bad of the world by fighting for what is good.

Love, Give. Then do it again. I promise you, it will someday make all the difference in your life, as it has in mine.

A Lesson In Giving

Today, life taught me an unexpected lesson, the lesson of what it truly means to "give." It started as a normal day, not one in which I would learn so much. I woke up fairly early and set to work on writing a book. I worked on my business, I talked to the dogs and I ate cereal. I spent the first half of the day in my mundane routine with the exception that I did not have my ritual morning mocha during the a.m. dog walking session.

Around 12:15, I decided to get that mocha but I got so much more.

I walked the dogs along Fillmore Street and up to The Royal Ground Coffee shop, my coffee shop as I like to call it. AxL was tired so I decided to just sit outside and soak up the warm sun while wearing my beloved "AxL SnAks" tshirt. I sipped my mocha and set about people watching while Venus began her "needy act" of jumping on me and trying to snuggle under my skin while on my lap. As she clawed and danced her way about while I tried not to spill my drink, I noticed a homeless man leaning on a grocery cart full of cans and plastic pop bottles he had pulled from the garbage during his travels. I watched him smile at Venus and her unabashed act of unconditional affection for me.

After about twenty minutes during which I talked to my friend Dan about everything from driving a taxi to wireless dsl, the homeless man inched closer, step by step. Eventually, he was right in front of us, still wearing a huge smile on his face. He gently stood about five feet away, just soaking up the scene. Another thirty minutes went by and Dan went inside to work on the internet for a bit. I was alone except for the dogs and the homeless man nearby. Our eyes met and I returned the smile he floated my way. He had bright blue eyes and a dirty but kind, almost angel-like face beneath his grimy beard and wrinkled skin from a tough life.

As I neared the bottom of my cup, a movement caught my eye as he began digging through a soiled black coat on top of his treasure filled cart. Minutes went by as life developed. With a shaky right hand adorned with cracked fingers, a bright yellow tennis ball was produced and held toward me.

My heart changed in that instant.

Here was a man with seemingly nothing to his name except his name: Mark. He softly put the tennis ball in my hand and Venus instantly became even more happy and excited at this gift from out of the blue. The gift I received was in that this person who had nothing to give, handed over what must have been one of his only possessions in order to just show kindness, from one human to another. I overflowed with hope for the human race, despite the news of murders and war and all things bad as we see on the daily news. My eyes filled with tears that I have been so selfish with my thoughts and heart in so many ways. I have been so focused on me, me, me and what I could take from life, that I had nearly forgotten how to give.

Mark and I talked for a few minutes about the dogs, their names, their ages. Venus chewed with glee on her new toy. I warmed inside from the kindness of a new friend and the incredible lesson he shared with me. I reached into a pocket and pulled out all of my spare change, about $2.17 worth and placed it in his hand with a thank you to match.

If I never see him again, I will always remember the lesson of this day. There is a time to stop thinking of what we want from the world and there is a time to start giving to each other, even when we feel we have nothing to give. There is a time to give kindness and a smile and a handshake. There is a time to love another human being because we are all simply human, trying to get by in this life with the hands we have been dealt, for better or worse. There is a time to set aside our own feelings and think of the feelings of others. There is a time to place the happiness of others above our own and in doing so, we actually realize more happiness than when we are in the selfish zone of me, me, me.

I write this now with the heartfelt hope that it is my gift to anyone reading it. It is my "tennis ball" when I have nothing else to give to other humans. It's my trusting soul reaching out to touch others' lives in a way that will hopefully teach and change the hearts of others as Mark took the time today to change mine.

How selfish are you? How selfish have you been? I ask you to consider this for a time and then begin to put the happiness of others ahead of you, even if you feel you can't give anything, try...give. If a man with nothing can change the heart of a person who seems to have so much more, think of what you could achieve with a similar act.

I believe that we are here for each other, more so than we are here for ourselves. The course of the human race depends on our kindness and love and giving to one another, even when we don't want to or feel we can't...we can. Reach into your soul pocket and pull out a tennis ball to give to someone else. I trust you will receive in a way that cannot be described, in a way that will ripple throughout your life an the lives of others. And maybe, someday, we'll all be able to happily chew on a gift we unexpectedly received from someone else. For what it's worth, I have now served by passing this along... the ball is in your court.

Sunshine

Today is a beautiful Sunday yet I have spent most of it inside with a roll of masking tape putting price labels on all of the physical items I own which I found I somehow bought, but do not need or use. As I continue to drag bags of old clothes and miscellaneous items to Goodwill down the street, I'm left wondering how on earth I ever accumulated so much baggage...and it's unneeded baggage at that.

Over the past month, I've been changing a lot. I've been soul-searching and walking each day in a new direction toward being the man I desire to be. The good news is, as the sun warms the air outside, I can finally see and feel progress. I hit rock bottom recently, but have fortunately turned things around. In looking back, I almost laugh at what I've done and how I've lived...it's a laugh of utter disbelief in some ways as I see things through eyes which don't have the blinders of hiding in some odd fear of success.

I still have some old thoughts haunting me here and there, but am now able to dismiss them with a simple change of thought or with a continuation of working on the important things of life rather than wallowing in the past. I have nearly an entire room full of boxes of things which are piled about me now. The things which I bought in order to feel better about myself, about life. Things I bought thinking they would bring me the happiness which can only be found within.

As the new year quickly approaches (forgive me for looking ahead about 52 days) I have set a few goals for myself, a few resolutions. There's nothing like getting an early start, I guess. I've found that I need to be "fine" on my own. I need to be comfortable in just being who I am and I need to do this by following my own path, my own dreams and making something of myself so that instead of buying dumb things, I'm happy with nothing more than "Scott" as a person rather than the things Scott buys to fill up his apartment and life with clutter. Another goal is financial. For some odd reason, which I won't go into here, I've self-sabotaged myself financially, time and again but now, find that even this is turned about. I've lost the desire to buy something just because I walk past it. I've also put a few wheels in motion to begin earning what I know will be something of which I can be proud of: my own income in my own way.

I've never been entirely comfortable, save for a short period of time in what I earn and how much I have in the bank. I've come to realize that this leads to an inner sense of self-disworth rather than self-confidence and self-worth. The combination of buying stupid things along with not having a steady and ample income has doubly pulled me and my mood toward myself like a prankster pulling me backwards into the deep-end of the swimming pool by my belt. Fully clothed, I've been slowly drowning as my pockets full of useless trinkets have held me under.

I'm popping to the surface now and beginning to swim for the ladder to climb out. It's a good feeling. It's light, it's unencumbered and my mood is strangely bobbing along after a long life of gulping for air now and then. I wish I could write down all that I've learned in the last month, about myself, about life, about others...but there's simply too much and it's largely too personal and boring to blather on about here. In short though, I've not believed in myself. I've not trusted life. There's a word out there called "pro-noia" which means the whole universe is out working to help you succeed. I'm finally trusting it in all forms. It's difficult to trust after a life of laced with distrust, dishonesty and often unfounded paranoia. Trust life, it does work out just as you wish it to if you believe. You can have everything of your dreams if you believe and walk in that direction. If you disbelieve, you only continue on a path of self-destruction where dreams fall apart at the seams and people walk away from you, unable to endure the negativity that can consume you.

I've learned that there are three basic tiers in my life and I'm tackling two of them first. The third will fall into place when my foundations are laid. I'm building a life worth living, worth being proud of and worth feeling good about. I'm also building my bank account up, little by little so that the fear of being unsuccessful financially will soon be far behind me. The day will soon arrive where I am fine, on my own, with who I am as well as fine in terms of financial security. Then, and only then will I be ready the person that I am with a third tier...another person I love and trust implicitly. In order to trust others, you need to trust yourself first. You need to keep your promises to yourself in all ways and you need to be comfortable in who you are as a person. If you don't, another person, despite all the love you have for them, can't trust you either...and without trust, love has no firm foundation to build upon. Begin with you. That is what I have been learning and doing each day and will continue to do. Be you, in all your glory as you only you can be. Let go of past baggage, hurt and pain, follow your dreams, act in a way that you know to be true to you. Be impeccable in your honesty and stay true to your word, to yourself (and others).

Do this and like me, you will definitely find that sunshine will burn away the dark clouds in life.